With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress.

Calling the final Harry Potter book her "darkest yet," J.K. Rowling confirmed one of the characters in it will be date raped.

The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.

A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.

Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.

Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.

The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.

Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.

At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight.

Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection with just a few clicks of the mouse.

New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.

Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things.

A shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.

After years of experiments and tens of millions of dollars, scientists have finally created a sheep that thinks and acts like a goat.

As controversy swirls around thoroughbred Ship's Captain, the horse's trainer says people should focus on the horse's abilities, not its sexuality.

Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.