adBlockCheck
May 24, 2016
-12°
-12°

Weather canceled due to heavy rains

Stocks
PHO +9.7%

Photostat Inc. (PHO): $14.72 (+$1.30) (+9.7%) Acquisition rumors have created buzz for this social-media startup that restores digitally yellowed and mottled photos to clear and bright quality images worthy of today's cameras.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

In The News

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document

More videos on Onion Studios

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close