May 29, 2015
93°
93°

Your soulless office still climate controlled

Stocks
PLT -6.50%

Planters (PLT): $31.21 (-$2.17) (-6.50%) The nut purveyor’s shares took a hit today after investors learned that Mr. Peanut’s condition had deteriorated, leaving him permanently confined to a wheelchair.

America's Finest News Source
“Tu Stultus Es”

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

In The News

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Special Coverage

Onion Video

Watch More

Graphical Features

Recommended

Commentary