12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Despite having spent eight of the last 10 days in his classmate’s living room playing Xbox alongside him, local 12-year-old Michael Cutler admitted to reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t even venture a guess as to what the boy’s name is. “Jeez, I could describe what he looks like, but honestly I don’t know if I’ve ever caught his name. Sam? Aaron, maybe?” Cutler said, noting that based on casual observations, he could recall that the fellow sixth-grader’s Xbox Live account is batman672, he has a turtle, and he “completely flips his shit” when you accidentally shoot him in Call Of Duty. “It might be Justin. I know there’s a Justin there, I’m just not sure if it’s his house or he’s one of the other guys who also comes over to play Xbox after school. There are a few Erics in my grade, too, so there’s a decent chance it could be Eric, but that’s really a total shot in the dark.” Cutler added, however, that if asked, he could easily name each of the 21 games his friend owns as well as every variety of snack food in his pantry.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close