38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook

EASTON, MD—Informing reporters that it was one of the coolest things he had ever seen, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber posted a photograph of a fast car he liked to his Facebook account Saturday.

After spending much of the morning in his room looking at pictures of fast cars—reportedly a common and favorite activity of his—the small child and father of two is said to have come across an image of a bright yellow Lamborghini Reventón convertible, prompting him to mutter the word “whoa” aloud. According to sources, the nearly four-decade-old youth then stared at the automobile with mouth agape for several moments before determining he “had to show all [his] friends.”

“Look at this!” the little boy and sales director for an employee recruitment company wrote on Facebook. “This car is so cool!”

Within minutes of posting the picture of the sleek high-end automobile, several other almost middle-aged children responded with awestruck comments of “Wow,” “No way,” and “I want one of those.” Additionally, a number of Weber’s acquaintances, including his 41-year-old colleague Jon McGraw, 38-year-old former college roommate Alec Coburn, and 10-year-old nephew Max, all replied with the word “awesome.”

After sharing the photograph, sources confirmed the 38-year-old boy saved the image to his computer and returned to the picture of the fast car numerous times throughout the day to look at it some more.

“I like this car a lot,” said the young child born in 1974, enthusiastically waving reporters over to get a closer look at the image of the automobile maneuvering a tight turn. “This one right here! Isn’t it cool?”

“Look at the wheels!” he continued. “Sweet!”

Reports confirmed the visibly excited 200-pound little guy showed everyone in his household the photograph of the fast car, informing family members that the pictured automobile was “the best.” In addition to repeatedly vocalizing his wish to possess such a vehicle, Weber is said to have spent much of the remainder of the day speculating about the speed the automobile could reach, asserting that it was “probably the fastest car ever” and stating that, if he had one, he would drive it “100 miles an hour.”

“I bet that thing goes so fast,” the balding juvenile told reporters, holding his right hand palm-downward at eye level and rapidly moving it through the air while making engine and tire-screeching noises with his mouth. “Vroom, vroom.”

“Vrooooooom!” Weber added.

Sources close to Weber said that, in addition to his passion for fast cars, the 1992 high school graduate and little kid has a variety of other interests, all of which he is reportedly eager to share with others. Recently posted pictures on his Facebook profile indicated that the aging youngster enjoys superheroes, fast motorcycles, big trucks, and spaceships as well.

However, of all his interests, the excitable 38-year-old little tyke admitted that sports cars are his favorite, stating that he likes “the ones that go fastest” the most.

“I swear, Nick could spend all day looking at pictures of those cars,” said 36-year-old Kelly Weber, the small child’s wife of 11 years, noting that her husband becomes particularly wound up whenever he sees a high-priced sports car in person on the street. “He has some books about them that he likes to look through, and he put up a few posters of cars in the basement. And when his friends come over, they just love watching movies with fast cars and playing car-racing video games all night.”

“I don’t really care one way or the other about the things, but he adores those cars so much I just humor him and let him talk on and on about them,” she continued. “It’s nice that he has something he’s interested in, and plus it’s kind of cute how excited he gets.”

At press time, Weber was eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese and staring at the fast car.