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    AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

    2:37

    In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party' into a sanctimonious bore.

    Recent News
    In The Know
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    • Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile

      3:21

      The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow.

    • Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

      1:38

      Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year.

    • Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb

      2:33

      The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs.

    • FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

      1:06

      The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a one million dollar reward. Full Report.

    • Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

      1:06

      Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that “gay” doesn’t remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

      1:54

      Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.

    • Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

      2:52

      Red Roof Inn announces its new Suicidal Suite, the FBI can’t bring themselves to bust a guy torrenting every season of ‘Picket Fences,’ and zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff.

    • Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

      2:03

      In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

    • New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

      2:28

      A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

    • Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

      1:34

      Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.

    • 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

      1:24

      Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as “a perfect fit” for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity t...

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

      2:37

      The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

    • Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

      1:36

      After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.

    • Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

      2:23

      McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly.

    • Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

      1:05

      The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

    • Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

      2:29

      A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...

    • Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

      1:21

      Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

    • Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

      1:45

      The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

    • Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

      2:22

      Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

    • Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

      1:58

      Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...

    • 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005

      1:51

      Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.

    • Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

      2:30

      The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

    • Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

      1:33

      SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...

    • Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore

      1:24

      The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

    • Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

      2:19

      The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

    • In The Know: Coal Lobby Warns Wind Farms May Blow Earth Off Orbit

      2:39

      Panelists debate whether the U.S. is doing enough to heed the warnings of coal industry scientists who say turbines could blow the Earth right into the sun.

    • Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

      2:50

      In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

    • In The Know: Should The Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?

      3:04

      Panelists discuss how owning a top-of-the-line MacBook or an iPad 2 is actually essential to finding a new job.

    • In The Know: Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot?

      2:41

      Panelists debate whether Duncan Birch is making a complete fool of himself on national television.

    • AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

      2:37

      In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party' into a sanctimonious bore.

    • Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?

      1:51

      In The Know panelists discuss Obama's failure to repair Americans' Bush-era reputation overseas as drunken belligerent assholes vomiting on ancient treasures.

    • In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?

      2:09

      Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.

    • Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate

      2:32

      In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below.

    • Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?

      2:45

      A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.

    • In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?

      2:09

      In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.

    • How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?

      2:09

      Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

    • Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

      2:33
      Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.
    • New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

      2:02

      In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

    • Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked

      2:37

      Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

    • Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

      2:25

      In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

    • Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

      2:17

      Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

    • Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor

      2:34

      As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.

    • Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

      2:31

      In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves interrogation technique yielded valuable intelligence.

    • New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time

      3:01
      In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.
    • Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

      2:17

      Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

    Onion Review

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    Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich

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    New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

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    Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

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    'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

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    Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'

    1:06

    Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

    1:11

    Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones

    0:58

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