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Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women
Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women
Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand
Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand
Black Mark On Birth Control Manufacturer’s Record Weighs In At 7 Pounds, 6 Ounces
Black Mark On Birth Control Manufacturer’s Record Weighs In At 7 Pounds, 6 Ounces
Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely
Tearful Gun Manufacturers Thankful They All Made It Out Of Massacre Safely
Creepy Older Brand Clearly Targeting Female 18-To-24-Year-Olds
Creepy Older Brand Clearly Targeting Female 18-To-24-Year-Olds
New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria
New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria
Tyson Foods Executives Assure Critics Their Chickens Physically Incapable Of Walking Even If They Had Room
Tyson Foods Executives Assure Critics Their Chickens Physically Incapable Of Walking Even If They Had Room
Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune
Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune
New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App
New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App
Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact
Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact
Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider
Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider
Ayahuasca Shaman Dreading Another Week Of Guiding Tech CEOs To Spiritual Oneness
Ayahuasca Shaman Dreading Another Week Of Guiding Tech CEOs To Spiritual Oneness
Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses
Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses
Popular New Dating App Just List Of 20 Attractive Singles To Repeatedly Scroll Through
Popular New Dating App Just List Of 20 Attractive Singles To Repeatedly Scroll Through
Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time
Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters
Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do
Beyoncé Quickly Releases New Song About How Buying Tidal Subscription Most Empowering Thing A Woman Can Do
Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent
Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent
Man Happy To Set Up Job Interview For Fraternity Brother He Once Forced To Drink Own Piss
Man Happy To Set Up Job Interview For Fraternity Brother He Once Forced To Drink Own Piss
ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change
ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change
Clif Bar Introduces New Savory Clif Loaf
Clif Bar Introduces New Savory Clif Loaf
Report: Most Effective Marketing Technique Still Giving Out Little Versions Of Product
Report: Most Effective Marketing Technique Still Giving Out Little Versions Of Product
Report: Freezers In Healthy Choice Corporate Offices Probably Stocked With Every Kind Of Healthy Choice You Could Imagine
Report: Freezers In Healthy Choice Corporate Offices Probably Stocked With Every Kind Of Healthy Choice You Could Imagine
Mattel Releases New Male Barbie To Inspire Girls To Imagine Holding Highest Leadership Positions
Mattel Releases New Male Barbie To Inspire Girls To Imagine Holding Highest Leadership Positions
Sudafed Introduces New Sinus Drill For Immediate Congestion Relief
Sudafed Introduces New Sinus Drill For Immediate Congestion Relief
McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac
McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac
Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker
Zoo Hosts Contest To Name Baby Of Pregnant Gift Shop Worker
Morton Unveils Individually Wrapped Salt Grains
Morton Unveils Individually Wrapped Salt Grains
Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin
Olay Introduces New Line Of Pre-Moisturized Skin
Corporation Wants Media Company Making Branded Entertainment To Just Have Fun With It
Corporation Wants Media Company Making Branded Entertainment To Just Have Fun With It

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