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    After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

    2:37

    Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.

    Recent News
    War For The White House
    All Videos
    • Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

      1:29

      Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

    • Web Series Reaches 100 Views

      2:16

      A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

    • Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Starbucks Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

      2:22

      The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.

    • Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

      2:52

      Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013

    • Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome

      1:16

      Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ... Full Report

    • Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

      2:26

      A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...

    • Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This

      1:09

      Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.

    • Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

      1:29

      Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.

    • Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

      3:02

      UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.

    • Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

      1:35

      Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

    • Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

      1:44

      The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the “Fuck Your Brains Out” sex education program.

    • Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse

      2:19

      A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.

    • Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

      1:01

      Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m.

    • There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

      1:45

      A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s fu...

    • Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception

      2:42

      Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

    • Onion News Empire Official Trailer

      0:55

      Watch Onion News Empire, Episode 1 now.

    • VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

      2:41

      Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!

    • Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

      1:17

      Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in...

    • Brad Pitt Decides To Grow Out Forehead Hair

      3:05

      Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman has decided it's spring.

    • Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues

      1:12

      After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems. 

    • Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris 

      1:21

      According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.

    • How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two

      2:59

      The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.

    • Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories

      4:18

      The bestselling author of “The Spooky Truth” series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn’t want us to know can be fun!

    • Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

      1:13

      While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

    • Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

      2:42

      An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.

    • Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend

      1:07

      Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend.

    • Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages

      2:56
      On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.
    • Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

      1:23

      Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontin...

    • After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

      2:37

      Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.

    • Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

      1:48

      Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

    • How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

      2:07

      How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.

    • Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves

      1:27

      Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.

    • America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign

      2:41

      America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think about it.

    • Nation's Roommates Debut New TV Spot Insisting 'Elections Are Bullshit'

      0:22

      Full Report at 2 p.m. EDT/1 p.m. CDT

    • New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

      0:59

      Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.

    • PREVIEW: Take An Exclusive Glimpse At The New Hyper-Violent Voting Booths

      0:06

      New interactive, violent voting machines expected to boost turnout on Election Day. Full report at 2:00 p.m. EDT/1:00 p.m. CDT.

    • 'Please Don't Let Me Die In Here' Begs Voter In Cutting Edge Debate Booth

      2:00

      Americans talk directly to the candidates in the first test of ONN's amazing, 100% safe DemocraKiosk booths.

    • Hot New App From The GOP Modernizes Minority Voter Suppression

      2:22

      No more waiting in long lines just to have your vote thrown away! A new app makes it easier than ever for minorities to be disenfranchised.

    • ONN's Presidential Debate Gives Average Americans Totally Unsupervised Airtime

      1:31

      Voters can't wait to show Obama and Romney the pointless talents that make America great.

    • Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

      2:05

      BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must the president look at people" could tell us about Mitt Romney.

    • The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Florida

      3:57

      The Onion profiles key battleground state Florida, known for being a state that can go either way. For instance, in 2000, the state famously voted for Republican George W.

    • The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio

      4:07

      Ohio figures to once again be a key battleground state. The Onion presents its profile of the swing state that sends Republicans and Democrats alike into a state of terror every four years.

    • The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney

      4:10

      Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide to GOP candidate Mitt Romney.

    • The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama

      4:22

      Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

    • Introducing The Onion's 2012 Election Coverage

      1:46

      Mandatory Viewing For All Americans

    • Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans

      2:45

      Tampa Bay gay sex workers say they plan to rake in the cash sucking off secretly gay Republican politicians during the Republican National Convention.

    • Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters

      2:57

      In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy "Commander In Steve" alongside James Franco and Seth Rogan.

    • GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November

      2:45

      Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won't die before voting on Election Day.

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    Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

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    Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

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