00:00:18.230,00:00:20.570 Cross Examination with Shelby Cross is one of our top programs 00:00:20.800,00:00:23.940 here on the Onion News Network. Well, yesterday Shelby warned us about 00:00:24.030,00:00:29.450 Al Qaeda's latest plot to populate America with patriotic peaceful decoy Muslims in 00:00:29.620,00:00:33.140 order to get us to lower our guard. To explain more about this looming threat, 00:00:33.300,00:00:35.510 former prosecutor Shelby joins us right now. 00:00:35.780,00:00:36.920 Hi Brooke. Hi Shelby. 00:00:37.180,00:00:40.090 Now you have been telling your viewers that Al Qaeda actually has more than 00:00:40.430,00:00:45.010 five million decoy Muslims in our country to soften us up for their next attach. 00:00:45.240,00:00:47.810 Yes and attack they will if we don't do something. 00:00:48.000,00:00:52.330 Listen, these friendly decoy Muslims are virtually everywhere walking among us, 00:00:52.530,00:00:56.710 making people think ‘Hey, Muslims, they're just like you and me." 00:00:56.910,00:01:00.650 I mean there's no reason - it wouldn't be fair for the police to stop and question 00:01:00.820,00:01:04.130 every Moslem that's out in public the way Shelby Cross is suggesting because that 00:01:04.370,00:01:06.010 would just be racist. 00:01:06.520,00:01:08.840 Well, yeah, that was exactly what Al Qaeda is counting on. 00:01:09.080,00:01:10.090 Shelby, what can we do? 00:01:10.320,00:01:14.790 Well, if you see a Moslem, I say just walk straight up to them and under your breath 00:01:14.960,00:01:19.010 just say "I'm on to you." I don't care if it's a man, a woman, 00:01:19.110,00:01:22.120 or an adorable little brown baby jihadist in a stroller. 00:01:22.520,00:01:25.690 Okay, but Shelby you have also made it clear to your viewers that these decoy 00:01:25.830,00:01:28.940 Muslims can be so sneaky that sometimes you can't even tell their Moslem. 00:01:29.140,00:01:35.760 They'll hide as Mexicans, as Puerto Ricans, as Vietnamese, I mean there's 00:01:35.970,00:01:40.480 absolutely nothing that would let you know that they were in fact secretly Muslim. 00:01:40.710,00:01:45.660 Now, if a Guatemalan or a Mexican ever comes up to me, I just cuff them, 00:01:46.030,00:01:49.150 I pat them down, and then I look right in the eyes and I say 00:01:49.380,00:01:52.120 "Hey, where are you hiding your Koran?" 00:01:52.390,00:01:53.430 So you have to be on your guard at all times? 00:01:53.660,00:01:56.030 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, don't get too close to them, 00:01:56.350,00:02:00.270 they're extremely dangerous in that they are very, very friendly, 00:02:00.540,00:02:03.580 very easy to become friends with them and next thing you know 00:02:03.750,00:02:06.930 "Hey, you could become a walking decoy Muslim." 00:02:07.170,00:02:08.100 Okay, Shelby, we don't want that. 00:02:08.300,00:02:11.740 So what can we do to protect ourselves? Well if you really suspect that you are in 00:02:11.910,00:02:14.690 Well if you really suspect that you are in the presence of a decoy Muslim, 00:02:15.070,00:02:17.200 the only sure thing you could do is actually shoot them. 00:02:17.440,00:02:21.430 Now if they start crying out in Arabic as they die, 00:02:21.660,00:02:25.790 you will know that that person is in fact a Muslim and you were right, 00:02:26.170,00:02:29.800 you saved yourself the unfortunate end of being blown up. 00:02:29.940,00:02:34.050 If they don't cry out that way, they're not a Muslim 00:02:34.210,00:02:35.770 and you can go ahead and trust them. 00:02:36.020,00:02:37.220 Okay, but they'll be dead, Shelby. 00:02:37.320,00:02:41.310 Yeah, but a dead man is the only man you can trust, rule number one. 00:02:41.510,00:02:42.680 Yeah, okay, thank you Shelby.