00:00:04.090,00:00:06.170 Onion News Network 00:00:06.690,00:00:09.610 The department of homeland security has confirmed that a terrorist attack, 00:00:09.800,00:00:11.600 on the nation's capitol was cancelled, 00:00:12.030,00:00:15.410 because it posed too great a risk to twilight author, Stephanie Meyer. 00:00:15.740,00:00:17.820 Law enforcement officials were alerted to the plot, 00:00:18.020,00:00:22.050 where terrorist chatter was detected by NSA intercepts. 00:00:22.240,00:00:23.210 We are cancelling the operation. 00:00:23.540,00:00:25.920 I don't understand. We have been planning this for months. 00:00:26.380,00:00:29.110 We received information that Stephanie Meyer will be making an appearance 00:00:29.490,00:00:33.800 Praise Allah! Will Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart be there? 00:00:33.990,00:00:36.400 Maybe, I'm not sure, but there's a big line already. 00:00:36.600,00:00:38.540 We have to get over there! 00:00:38.870,00:00:41.230 We're joined now by terrorist and expert, Omar Al-Farouq of Al-Qaeda. 00:00:41.470,00:00:42.620 Thank you for being here sir. 00:00:42.860,00:00:46.060 It sounds like the US barely avoided a major attack here, is that right? 00:00:46.440,00:00:49.540 Yes, for the moment, Al-Qaeda simply could not risk killing the woman 00:00:49.640,00:00:51.770 who captured the alienation and special attention 00:00:52.010,00:00:54.140 to adolescence so beautifully, in her book series. 00:00:54.250,00:00:56.040 How deadly could this attack have been? 00:00:56.150,00:00:58.420 We're hearing estimates of five to ten thousand lives. 00:00:58.510,00:01:00.450 Yes, the devastation would have been shocking. 00:01:00.650,00:01:05.240 Worse than when Sam transformed into his wolf self and slashed his beloved Emily 00:01:05.480,00:01:06.870 with his magnificent claw. 00:01:07.060,00:01:09.700 The CIA has information that dealing with the cancellation of this attack 00:01:09.890,00:01:13.130 caused disputes within Al-Qaeda's top ranks. Is this true? 00:01:13.330,00:01:15.510 There have always been fashions. Certain people believe, 00:01:15.600,00:01:18.330 that Stephanie Meyer should be stoned to death, 00:01:18.580,00:01:20.720 for accompanying Jacob Black with so much heart ache. 00:01:21.040,00:01:23.450 Osama Bin Laden himself was a member of team Jacob. 00:01:23.680,00:01:25.950 All right, that would explain the photos we acquired last year. 00:01:26.190,00:01:29.110 Someone had suggested that it was related to the twilight series 00:01:29.260,00:01:30.920 but it hardly seemed possible at the time. 00:01:31.120,00:01:33.390 Why? The themes are universal. 00:01:33.480,00:01:36.820 Perhaps, but still, I mean, intelligence. officials thought... 00:01:37.060,00:01:39.750 That the books are for kids. This is what you're thinking, yes? 00:01:39.890,00:01:42.900 That is the height of arrogance. You know, if you give them a chance, 00:01:43.100,00:01:45.140 you will be hooked, or my mother is a Jew. 00:01:45.330,00:01:49.640 All right, well the last novel of the twilight series was published in 2008. 00:01:49.740,00:01:52.150 Why does Al-Qaeda care if Mrs. Meyers is alive or not? 00:01:52.340,00:01:56.510 Well, that is, wow! I don't believe that that thought is streaming from your lips. 00:01:56.610,00:01:59.570 You know, she could always use the work of midnight sun, 00:01:59.820,00:02:02.090 or write another book from a different point of view. 00:02:02.180,00:02:04.310 All right, earlier today, Al-Qaeda released a video 00:02:04.640,00:02:06.680 claiming responsibility for the failed attack, 00:02:06.690,00:02:11.330 as well as another that seems to be a shot for shot remake of the scene from new moon. 00:02:14.490,00:02:17.870 Yes, that was Al-Qaeda's re-imagining of the movie. 00:02:18.070,00:02:22.380 Chris Weitz who directed the original should be sliced from top to belly 00:02:22.570,00:02:25.530 and strung from a tree, for what he did to that glorious book. 00:02:25.780,00:02:28.880 That's all the time we have, Mr. Al-Farouq. Thank you for being with us today. 00:02:29.210,00:02:32.550 And now, breaking news, the hard-drive containing Shakira's voice, 00:02:32.740,00:02:35.610 has been destroyed in a bus accident. 00:02:35.940,00:02:38.440 A lot of networks report the news as it happens. 00:02:38.820,00:02:42.690 ONN has the power to report the news before it happens, 00:02:43.000,00:02:45.970 through our new state of the arts,world satellite, 00:02:46.490,00:02:47.970 the Onion News Network feature channel, 00:02:48.070,00:02:52.470 brings you exclusive news transmitions from the year 2137. 00:02:52.660,00:02:55.630 Because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know, 00:02:55.780,00:02:59.020 what's going to happen in tomorrows. 00:03:05.710,00:03:07.560 Still ahead this hour... 00:03:07.990,00:03:10.720 Crack Foal born addicted to crack.