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And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this again tomorrow. All of this, which includes traffic, sitting at a desk for hours on end, uncomfortable social situations, regret, prime-time television, self-disgust, and the inexorable march of time, will reportedly begin anew the moment the alarm clocks of U.S. residents awaken them in the morning. At that time, sources said, the populace will once more have to endure it all, including anxiety, the inevitable deterioration of the human body, evil, the dissociative effects of technology, unchecked consumerism, sexual inadequacy, memory loss, lethargy, racial inequality, the diminishing value of a hard day’s work, disease, entropy, war, and the general malaise that defines the human condition. Compounding these issues, according to reports, will be the fact that each individual will be fully aware of the repetitive, unrelenting nature of it all, and yet will be completely unable to do a thing about it. At press time, sources acknowledged that this—all of this—is our lot, and we had better just get used to it.

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