And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this again tomorrow. All of this, which includes traffic, sitting at a desk for hours on end, uncomfortable social situations, regret, prime-time television, self-disgust, and the inexorable march of time, will reportedly begin anew the moment the alarm clocks of U.S. residents awaken them in the morning. At that time, sources said, the populace will once more have to endure it all, including anxiety, the inevitable deterioration of the human body, evil, the dissociative effects of technology, unchecked consumerism, sexual inadequacy, memory loss, lethargy, racial inequality, the diminishing value of a hard day’s work, disease, entropy, war, and the general malaise that defines the human condition. Compounding these issues, according to reports, will be the fact that each individual will be fully aware of the repetitive, unrelenting nature of it all, and yet will be completely unable to do a thing about it. At press time, sources acknowledged that this—all of this—is our lot, and we had better just get used to it.

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