And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this again tomorrow. All of this, which includes traffic, sitting at a desk for hours on end, uncomfortable social situations, regret, prime-time television, self-disgust, and the inexorable march of time, will reportedly begin anew the moment the alarm clocks of U.S. residents awaken them in the morning. At that time, sources said, the populace will once more have to endure it all, including anxiety, the inevitable deterioration of the human body, evil, the dissociative effects of technology, unchecked consumerism, sexual inadequacy, memory loss, lethargy, racial inequality, the diminishing value of a hard day’s work, disease, entropy, war, and the general malaise that defines the human condition. Compounding these issues, according to reports, will be the fact that each individual will be fully aware of the repetitive, unrelenting nature of it all, and yet will be completely unable to do a thing about it. At press time, sources acknowledged that this—all of this—is our lot, and we had better just get used to it.