adBlockCheck

And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this again tomorrow. All of this, which includes traffic, sitting at a desk for hours on end, uncomfortable social situations, regret, prime-time television, self-disgust, and the inexorable march of time, will reportedly begin anew the moment the alarm clocks of U.S. residents awaken them in the morning. At that time, sources said, the populace will once more have to endure it all, including anxiety, the inevitable deterioration of the human body, evil, the dissociative effects of technology, unchecked consumerism, sexual inadequacy, memory loss, lethargy, racial inequality, the diminishing value of a hard day’s work, disease, entropy, war, and the general malaise that defines the human condition. Compounding these issues, according to reports, will be the fact that each individual will be fully aware of the repetitive, unrelenting nature of it all, and yet will be completely unable to do a thing about it. At press time, sources acknowledged that this—all of this—is our lot, and we had better just get used to it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close