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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
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Up Next
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer
James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars
The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars
The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars
How Animals Go Extinct
How Animals Go Extinct
Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas
Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website
Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website
NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities
NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities
New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day
New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day
Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose
Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose
Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible
Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible
Report: Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall
Report: Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall
‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon
‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon
NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite
NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite
What Is Pokémon Go?
What Is Pokémon Go?
Facebook Status Update Field Dreading What Area Man About To Type Into It
Facebook Status Update Field Dreading What Area Man About To Type Into It
Teen Had Absolutely No Say In Becoming Part Of Snapchat Generation
Teen Had Absolutely No Say In Becoming Part Of Snapchat Generation
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours
Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours
New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App
New Uber Update Allows Users To File Lawsuit Against Company Directly In App
Books Vs. E-Readers
Books Vs. E-Readers
New Audubon Report Finds 78% Of Female Birds Sexually Harassed By Stranger Exposing Colorful Plumage
New Audubon Report Finds 78% Of Female Birds Sexually Harassed By Stranger Exposing Colorful Plumage
Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot
Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot
Popular New Dating App Just List Of 20 Attractive Singles To Repeatedly Scroll Through
Popular New Dating App Just List Of 20 Attractive Singles To Repeatedly Scroll Through
Facebook’s Plans For The Future
Facebook’s Plans For The Future
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters
Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet
Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet

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