adBlockCheck

Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers

WASHINGTON—Federal, state, and local law enforcement officials are reportedly on high alert today after a group of dangerous sociopaths entered the chambers of Congress, posing what sources are calling “an extreme risk” to the U.S. federal government and the nation at large.

According to authorities, the hundreds of individuals, all of whom have a prior history of sociopathic and harmful behavior, were seen entering the U.S. Capitol Building at approximately 10 a.m. this morning, at which point officers promptly arrived on the scene and secured the area.

Citizens in the D.C. area, and across America, are being urged to stay vigilant as officials attempt to ascertain the precise nature of the threat these individuals pose.

“While we cannot say at this time what they want, these men and women are ruthless, highly dangerous, and are not to be trusted under any circumstances,” said D.C. police officer Ted Wallerman, who said law enforcement officials would continue to monitor the known sociopaths throughout the day. “Unlike normal human beings such as you or I, these individuals are essentially incapable of experiencing remorse for their actions, so there’s no telling what insane ends they’ll go to in order to satisfy their lust for power.”

“Hopefully we can find a way to reason with them and end this situation peaceably,” Wallerman added. “But it’s never easy negotiating with maniacs.”

Eyewitnesses say the hundreds of sociopaths entered the building dressed in suits and ties and appearing outwardly calm before converging on the Congressional chambers shortly thereafter, essentially seizing control of the building.

D.C. police warned citizens that the sociopaths are experts at manipulation, manifesting a false outward appearance of sanity, and even compassion, but that such behavior was merely a ploy and should be disregarded at all costs.

“These are predatory personalities overwhelmed by selfishness and blind, irrational anger—do not believe a word they tell you,” D.C. Chief of Police Douglas Gardner warned the public. “They will tell you they care and that they are normal, decent human beings, but believe me, there is almost no limit to the amount of damage these monsters could do.”

“And now they’ve taken control of the nation’s legislative chambers,” Gardner added. “May God have mercy on us all.”

The sociopaths currently occupying the Capitol, reports confirmed, come from all 50 states. They show pure ambition, naked greed, and have a cold, dead look in their eyes that eyewitnesses have called “chilling.”

Authorities cautioned that the next few hours are crucial and potentially volatile, as psychological experts say the group of sociopaths may explode into acts of savage rage if they encounter a perceived threat or their attempts to grab power are opposed.

“If they feel provoked, or if they feel in any way as if they are losing power or control, sociopathic personalities such as these will typically react quite harmfully, with little to no regard for the consequences their actions have on others,” noted psychologist Dr. Michael Segal told reporters. “We are talking about human beings, if you can even call them that, with a God complex. And yet they are so skilled at fooling others that they have been able to conceal themselves as functional members of society.”

Fortunately, authorities say, at this time the assembled sociopaths appear rather disorganized and may ultimately be powerless to carry out any plan at all, and have been engaged for the last few hours in a series of nearly incoherent rants that make little rational sense. Still, there is no way, police stress, of knowing how far their mad ambition could take them.

The exact number of sociopathic madmen currently occupying the Congressional chambers could not be determined as of press time, but some authorities say their number could be as many as 535.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close