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    Autistic Reporter: Train Thankfully Unharmed In Crash That Killed One Man

    2:19

    Autistic reporter Michael Falk says the stainless steel CometLiner 2 car was lucky enough to escape unharmed from its collision with a man.

    Recent News
    Onion News Network On IFC
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    • Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

      1:18
      Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
    • Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

      1:03

      In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.

    • ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

      1:10

      The infallible Creator of the universe sits down for an intimate eye-opening interview.

    • Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

      2:11

      David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

      1:49

      Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice

      2:25

      An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.

    • Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time

      1:11

      In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.

    • Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

      1:18

      OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'

      3:51

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

      1:40

      Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

      2:02

      The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

      3:20

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season

      1:33

      If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.

    • Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

      2:02

       Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.

    • Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

      1:18

      According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.

    • More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

      2:26

      Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.

    • New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong

      2:37

      The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.

    • Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

      1:58

      Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'

      3:32

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher

      1:57

      According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.

    • The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

      1:00

      Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.

    • Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

      2:37
      The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
    • Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

      2:54

      Special investigative reporter Gavin Fisher outfits his parents home with hidden cameras to refute claims he ruined the family's Thanksgiving gathering.

    • Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

      0:40

      The Onion News Network investigates the dangerous tradition of Fall Break parties where college students chug maple syrup and strip down to their long underwear.

    • Black Part Of Town Moves Across Town

      1:50

      Pennington, IL's only African-American family moves to the other side of town, causing residents to reminisce about the "Black part of town."

    • Back Of Library Smells Like Weed

      1:45

      Library patrons in Pennington, IL report that something definitely smells like weed back in the young adult section.

    • This Day In History: Apollo 12 Sent To Moon To Pick Up Trash Left By Apollo 11

      1:29

      On This Day In History, the astronauts of Apollo 12 landed on the moon to collect the pizza boxes and beer cans left behind by the famous Apollo 11 astronauts.

    • Reporter Steps In To Replace Woman's Missing Husband

      3:02

      When the war in Afghanistan leaves a woman without a husband, caring reporter O'Brady Shaw steps in to replace him.

    • Thousands Of Americans Trapped In 'Animal Hoarders' Marathon

      1:17

      Tens of thousands of Americans have found themselves tragically unable to tear themselves away from televisions showing a man who owns 30 chihuahuas.

    • Prevent Identity Theft By Changing Identity Every Three Years

      1:45

      Shelby Cross warns viewers to protect themselves by becoming a completely different person every few years.

    • What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?

      2:01

      The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search.

    • NASA Asks Russians To Stop Filming Porn On International Space Station

      1:42

      In the Daily Briefing, NASA scientists ask the Russians to please stop using the ISS as a personal porn studio and a Taliban attack on U.S. forces has led officials to announce they are 'so glad pretty soon America won't have to deal with this shit anymore'.

    • Country Artist Sings About Real America And Its Meth Addicts

      2:54
      On Today Now!, country singer Heath Williams sings about good old boys who smoke meth until their teeth fall out.  (Aired 11/11/11)
    • Teens Hold Clothing Drive For Classmate Who Dresses Really Ugly

      2:26

      On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy welcome two Sacramento teens who collected clothing for their classmate so she wouldn't have to look like a homeless person.

    • Romney's Numbers Skyrocket After Prostitute Reveals She Paid Him To Sleep With Her

      1:12

      Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around.

    • Are Wetland Preserves Simply Dead-Body Dumping Grounds?

      2:19

      Shelby Cross continues her crusade against bogs and marshes, which are good for nothing other than hiding bodies.

    • Breaking Story So New Reporter Literally Has No Information

      1:55

      On "Raw Story," O'Brady Shaw Investigates what may have been a shooting at a local mall, or may have been something else altogether.

    • Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe

      2:17

      Investigative reporter Gavin Fisher investigates the world of Chinese counterfeit goods by donning a long robe and a black wig.

    • Failed Musician Comes Crawling Back To Hometown

      1:55

      Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs.

    • High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs

      1:18

      A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one.

    • Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

      2:05

      Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive.

    • Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

      1:59

      Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

    Onion Special Report

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    Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms

    1:30

    Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

    1:11

    Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

    1:46

    ONNCast

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    Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

    0:58

    Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do

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    Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics

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    Onion Review

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    Smooth Operator Also Forklift Operator

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    2:19

    Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

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    • Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay

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    • Owner's Box: Marc Trestman Adopts Baby To Save Relationship With Bears

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