Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call

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Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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