NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York Yankees honored retiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a three-second-long tribute video.
NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a press conference Friday that the team has signed Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $420 million contract as a front office consultant.
DURHAM, NC—In what scholars are hailing as a landmark finding that reshapes their understanding of early Christianity, a newly discovered first-century text made public Friday by researchers at the Duke School of Divinity revealed that God first sent Jesus Christ to save elk as practice.
QUINCY, MA—Describing how the routine cost estimate rapidly blossomed into something much more, sources confirmed Friday that local dad Mark Geldmaker immediately developed a deep friendship with the guy giving him a quote on replacing his windows.
HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.
NEW YORK—Saying it was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by its strenuous workload, Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted Thursday it was simply unable to filter through the torrent of impulsive comments coming from the rest of the presidential candidate’s brain.
LONDON—Cringing at the mere thought of the ceremonial rite she would have to perform, Queen Elizabeth II told reporters Thursday she hopes to die before having to knight any DJs.
CHICAGO—Rolling their eyes and sighing under their breath as they listened to the man babble on about how he had a wife and two young daughters at home, a group of individuals being held captive by gunmen in a Chicago warehouse reportedly grew annoyed at a fellow hostage Thursday who was lording the fact that he had a family over everyone else.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Opening up to reporters about the challenging conditions at the Rio Games, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte admitted Thursday that the Olympic pool is much wetter than he remembered.
ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy.
This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps explained to reporters Wednesday that his 3-month-old son, Boomer, consumes 12,000 calories of breast milk per day.
WASHINGTON—Providing the unmanned aerial vehicles with ample space to gather and fly around unfettered, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday setting aside nearly 2,000 square miles of airspace over western Montana as a federally protected free-range drone preserve, sources confirmed.
Many Americans are moving into extremely small living quarters, simplifying their lives and putting less focus on material goods. The Onion examines the pros and cons of “tiny houses”
BETHESDA, MD—Admitting they had begun to think it might never happen, the family of local 57-year-old Doug Reeves told reporters Wednesday the late-blooming dad is just now getting into American Civil War history.
MONTREAL—Saying they have received multiple phone calls and emails from the NBC Sports host every day for the past four weeks, members of the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters Tuesday they were extremely unnerved by Bob Costas’ repeated requests to submit his own urine sample ahead of the 2016 Summer Olympics.
