Uber Seize is a new high-end service that lets users hijack vehicles whenever and however they want.

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

SHOREVIEW, MN—In what many called an impressive and heartwarming display of resolve, local grandmother Melanie Hodges reportedly clung to life Sunday so that she could spend one last Christmas surrounded by nursing home staff.

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘Die Hard’ in this week’s Film Standard.

DURHAM, NC—Noting that adopting the religious belief system would allow individuals to fully enjoy the holiday season in all of its glory, a report released Tuesday by the Duke Divinity School revealed that there is still time to convert to Christianity before the start of Christmas.

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Rogue One’ in this week’s Film Standard.