WASHINGTON—Noting that it would likely complete the task quickly and without any trouble, a Brookings Institution report released Monday stated that we could probably just have a computer pick the next president of the United States.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to help voters make an informed decision at the polls, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday it would be extending the U.S. presidential election by seven months to give Americans the opportunity to better get to know the presidential candidates.
PARADISE, NV—Interrupted by an aide to the Republican nominee who strode up to his table during the third presidential debate Wednesday, moderator Chris Wallace is said to have received a cease-and-desist letter from the Trump Organization in the middle of asking Donald Trump to respond to allegations that he groped multiple women.
PARADISE, NV—Reminding viewers of the agreed-upon rules before the start of Wednesday’s third presidential debate, moderator Chris Wallace explained that the rest of the GOP would be given two minutes after each response by Donald Trump to distance themselves from the Republican nominee.
EVANSDALE, IA—Providing comfort to residents of the stricken community, Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence visited a small town in the nation’s heartland Wednesday that had recently been hit hard by children viewing R-rated movies, sources confirmed.
PARADISE, NV—In an effort to ensure the most relevant topics are addressed during the third and final presidential debate, organizers revealed Tuesday that the first 15 minutes of the event would be set aside to focus on whatever major Donald Trump revelation comes out between now and then
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims
ST. LOUIS—Insisting the signaling devices posed a safety threat to the local community, a confused audience member at Sunday night’s presidential town hall debate reportedly questioned the nominees about the city’s new traffic lights.
ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
FARMVILLE, VA—Admonishing the Virginia senator for repeatedly interrupting his opponent’s responses, CBS News moderator Elaine Quijano sternly issued a final warning to Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine roughly 30 minutes into Tuesday’s debate to stop playing around with his microphone.
FARMVILLE, VA—Seeking a brief respite from the unpredictable and unprecedented circumstances of the 2016 presidential election, voters across the country reportedly tuned into the vice presidential debate Tuesday night to find out what the race would have looked like if this were a normal election year.
FARMVILLE, VA—Calling out her name while frantically searching the theater’s wings, a tearful Senator Tim Kaine was reportedly wandering around backstage before the vice presidential debate Tuesday asking if anyone had seen his running mate, Hillary Clinton.
FARMVILLE, VA—Explaining that the extra bit of effort would go a long way in helping the candidate improve his appeal among voters, a top campaign aide to Governor Mike Pence reportedly encouraged the Republican nominee to try out some more happy-looking scowls for the vice presidential debate Tuesday.
INDIANAPOLIS—Appearing intently focused and grunting loudly as he put all his weight behind each hook and jab, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence was reportedly seen Monday training for the upcoming vice presidential debate by repeatedly striking a punching bag with an Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change study taped to the front of it.
NEW YORK—Telling staff members she was “on a roll” and didn’t want to “jinx it,” a superstitious Hillary Clinton reportedly stated Monday that as long as her ongoing hot streak in the polls continues, she’s not going to change a single one of her beliefs.
MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers.
APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers.
CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.
NEW YORK—Sighing contentedly as the evening’s stresses melted away, Donald Trump reportedly kicked back and relaxed after the first presidential debate Monday night by slipping into his nice, warm personal reality, sources confirmed.
Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
WASHINGTON—Highlighting its strong showing at the first presidential debate Monday, a Gallup report released this morning revealed that hopeless resignation has received a substantial bump in the polls.
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
NEW LONDON, CT—Giving both nominees an equal opportunity to make their case, open-minded voter Jeremy Holcomb, 36, reportedly waited almost five minutes into Monday night’s presidential debate to decide which candidate had won.
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
SEATTLE—Speaking privately with advisors between campaign stops Thursday, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson expressed his concern that he was peaking too early after reaching 9 percent in national polls, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters.
Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson
NEW YORK—Evading staff members and giggling uncontrollably while darting between cubicles, a wound-up Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine was reportedly running around Clinton campaign headquarters Wednesday night in his favorite pair of footie pajamas.
BROOKLYN, NY—Saying the new interface will help voters learn more about the candidate and her platform, campaign sources confirmed Wednesday that HillaryClinton.com, the official website of the Democratic presidential nominee, is now fully customizable, allowing visitors to change Clinton’s stance on any given issue so that it reflects their own political beliefs.
PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die.
COLUMBUS, OH—Clad in a tattered suit as he limped through the Hyatt ballroom toward the stunned Democratic presidential nominee, a dirty, bearded Vince Foster reportedly burst through the doors of a Clinton campaign fundraiser Monday to confront his former law partner.
‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters
WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.
NEW YORK—Sitting down with officials from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to discuss a range of foreign and domestic threats facing the United States, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly spent the entirety of his first classified national security briefing Wednesday asking about Egyptian mummies.
LIMA, OH—Pointing at the vehicle and shrieking with delight, giddy Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine reportedly pressed his face against the window of his campaign bus Wednesday to gawk at a passing horse trailer.
PALM BEACH, FL—Saying she was still coming to terms with what she had seen several days earlier, Melania Trump told reporters Monday she was left deeply shaken after discovering a secluded attic room in the Mar-a-Lago estate filled with haunting and grotesque self-portraits painted by her husband.
NEW YORK—Saying it was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by its strenuous workload, Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted Thursday it was simply unable to filter through the torrent of impulsive comments coming from the rest of the presidential candidate’s brain.
NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.
NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.
PHILADELPHIA—Following the conclusion of the Democratic and Republican National Conventions held in their respective cities over the past two weeks, residents of Philadelphia and Cleveland reportedly voiced their deep sense of relief Friday that at least they wouldn’t have to host another one of these fucking things for several decades.
Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public
PHILADELPHIA—In a stirring, heartfelt address Thursday night at the Democratic National Convention in which she laid out her vision for the future of the United States, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton stated that every young girl in the country deserved “an equal opportunity to one day feel raw, unbridled power coursing through her body.”
PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.
PHILADELPHIA—Delivering a historic and uplifting speech to the Democratic National Convention Thursday night, presidential nominee Hillary Clinton told the American electorate that when she was a little girl, most special interest groups would never even consider donating enormous sums of money to a woman.
PHILADELPHIA—Tasked with introducing presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to the stage on the final night of the Democratic National Convention, Chelsea Clinton declared to voters Thursday that her mother would shape the country into a strong, independent young woman.
PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.
WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the practice was just more evidence of journalists’ bias against him, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stated Thursday that he was sick and tired of the mainstream media always attempting to place his words into some kind of context.
PHILADELPHIA—Struggling to free himself from the tightly wound lengths of rope binding his wrists and ankles together, bruised and gagged Texas congressman Joaquin Castro was reportedly horrified by what his identical twin brother, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro, might be out doing on the floor of the DNC Thursday.
PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing the former secretary of state’s competence and tenacity during his Democratic National Convention address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama praised Hillary Clinton as someone who would work tirelessly to defend and advance the legacy he had built, even the “truly repugnant parts.”
PHILADELPHIA—Describing the look of total disinterest on his face and noting how he kept peering down at his watch as the speech progressed, sources at the Democratic National Convention said that Virginia senator Tim Kaine clearly began tuning out partway through the boring vice presidential acceptance address Wednesday night.
PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
PHILADELPHIA—Devoting a large portion of his speech to the “pioneering, stiffy-inducing” all-female quartet, Vice President Joe Biden regaled the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night with the rousing story of the metal band Vixen breaking hard rock’s glass ceiling in the late 1980s.
PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed.
PHILADELPHIA—Claiming he had been “in way deeper shit plenty of times before,” Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly busted Wednesday in the Democratic National Convention parking lot for selling bootleg “I’m With Her” T-shirts.
PHILADELPHIA—Waiting anxiously for the former president to address what was clearly on the minds of everyone in attendance, sources in the Democratic National Convention audience Tuesday night expressed hope that Bill Clinton would break the tension during his speech with a joke about how utterly awful he looks.
PHILADELPHIA—Striding energetically onto the stage in shorts and a taut tank top, a baby-faced, muscle-bound Jimmy Carter, 91, reportedly told attendees at the Democratic National Convention Thursday that the future of medicine is exceedingly bright.
PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
PHILADELPHIA—In response to the Vermont senator calling upon all Democrats to come together to assure the party’s victory in the presidential election this November, thousands of Bernie Sanders supporters were reportedly left deeply aggravated Monday after he didn’t use his Democratic National Convention speech to encourage voters to act against their own self-interest.
PHILADELPHIA—As Vermont senator Bernie Sanders spoke to the crowd about the need for party unity Monday during the first night of the Democratic National Convention, sources reported that the voice coming from the Wells Fargo Center sound system during his address clearly belonged to Hillary Clinton.
PHILADELPHIA—Sending terrified gasps through the audience as she pulled back a thick velvet curtain onstage to reveal the formidable politician, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren assured the thousands of progressive onlookers at the Democratic National Convention Monday night that the docile Hillary Clinton standing before them meant them no harm.
PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak
MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief.