WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.
“At the Centers for Disease Contraction, we are always looking for ways Americans can get sick and spread their illnesses effectively,” said CDC Director Dr. Benjamin Campbell, adding that by sucking on doorknobs citizens could increase their chances of acquiring infectious diseases and bacterial illnesses by 450 percent. “So if you aren’t currently suffering from the common cold or the flu, we urge you to find a doorknob in a high-traffic area, place your mouth on it, and begin sucking. Suck on it for five minutes, stop, spit on your fingers, and then rub the contaminated saliva into your eyes and nose. Then breathe on as many people as possible. Repeat this process upwards of 10 times or until you experience fever, nausea, or sharp stomach pains.”
“This is an excellent way to make yourselves susceptible to numerous illnesses including acute gastroenteritis, toxoplasmosis, and trachoma,” Campbell continued. “Please, suck on dirty doorknobs. This is your health we’re talking about.”
Saying that their goal is to keep pathogens inside the body as long as possible so they are able to do as much damage as possible, Centers for Disease Contraction officials noted that the more bacteria, fungi, and viruses that enter the digestive system, the more likely it is for an individual to acquire a debilitating urinary tract infection, tuberculosis, or even mumps.
While the report didn’t say it was absolutely necessary, it strongly recommended “group spit mixing,” in which 15 to 20 individuals stand around one single doorknob—preferably on a McDonald’s or Starbucks restroom door—and take turns sucking on it.
If a doorknob is not immediately available, the CDC said Americans could also suck on subway car poles; subway car seats; boots; pets; discarded cigarette butts; sidewalks, specifically in places where gum is stuck to the ground; rabid animals; garbage; scuzzy pond water; dirt; sauce-splattered plates; the open sores of bed-ridden sick people; and welcome mats.
“If one wants to lick the inside of a fireplace for several hours in order to contract a high fever that leads to prolonged vomiting, that’s also okay, just as long as it’s a fireplace that hasn’t been cleaned in over 20 years and has a lot of cobwebs inside of it,” said a glassy-eyed and visibly pale CDC official. “We just know that doorknobs are readily accessible, and we want Americans to feel as if the contraction of harmful diseases can be easy and quick.”
“For example, I suck on doorknobs, eat days-old cat food, and stab myself with any type of discarded needle I can find,” he continued.
Created in 1946 as the successor to the government’s Malaria Dispersal program, the Centers for Disease Contraction specializes in endangering public health. Past CDC initiatives include an Eat Breakfast off the Bus Floor program; a $200 million campaign urging citizens to get coughed on by sick kindergarten students; and Blood Month, in which the CDC encourages members of the workforce to dedicate every day in September to cutting themselves open and smearing their blood into the wounds of their colleagues.
With its 1993 Tissue and Toilet Paper Share program, the CDC successfully spread a rare form of Hepatitis A to over 3 million Americans, made no attempt to quarantine the affected individuals, withheld the vaccine for months, and consequently killed 250,000 people.
CDC sources proudly confirmed that every year more and more sick people are taking their advice to throw up on their doctor instead of getting checked by one.
“If you get sick after sucking on doorknobs and your salivary glands are so swollen that they no longer function properly, great,” CDC spokeswoman Amanda Harris said. “That’s when you should douse yourself in cold water and stand outside naked in below-freezing temperatures until you die.”