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CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them

BALTIMORE—Employees at local technology firm Halverson Enterprises remarked to reporters Monday that CEO Peter Weathers, 61, has an extraordinary gift for discovering great ideas and then swiftly running them into the ground with his horrible modifications. “He’s just incredible at picking out the best proposal, watering it down, putting the wrong person in charge of it, and then abandoning the whole thing once it’s clear that he’s created a complete fucking train wreck,” said senior sales manager Francesca O’Toole, who added that even more remarkable was the virtuoso CEO’s knack at recklessly sinking enormous sums of the company’s money into the plans after he had thoroughly destroyed anything worthwhile about them. “It’s pretty incredible to watch [Weathers] walk into a project proposal meeting, commandeer the ideas that you’ve spent weeks tirelessly crafting, and then, in a split second, just transform them into total goddamn wastes of everyone’s time and energy. That’s the special ‘Weathers touch’ that really makes it obvious what a rare talent he is.” Sources also confirmed that Weathers has an undeniable flair for blaming someone else after the plans he had butchered inevitably failed.

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