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China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.
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China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter
China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter
N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention
N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention
Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda
Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda
Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis
Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis
Queen Elizabeth Screaming At Stockbroker To Dump Everything
Queen Elizabeth Screaming At Stockbroker To Dump Everything
Americans Confused By System Of Government In Which Leader Would Resign After Making Terrible Decision
Americans Confused By System Of Government In Which Leader Would Resign After Making Terrible Decision
Britain Plummets To Lowest Value In World Since 1580s
Britain Plummets To Lowest Value In World Since 1580s
The Case For And Against The U.K. Leaving The E.U.
The Case For And Against The U.K. Leaving The E.U.
Oh Good, Sound Of Explosion At Soccer Stadium Was Just Fan With Enormous Flare Gun
Oh Good, Sound Of Explosion At Soccer Stadium Was Just Fan With Enormous Flare Gun
Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit
Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit
State Department Warns Americans Traveling Abroad To Avoid Lame Amsterdam Windmill Tour
State Department Warns Americans Traveling Abroad To Avoid Lame Amsterdam Windmill Tour
Dubai Completes Construction On World’s First Full-Scale Replica Of Dubai
Dubai Completes Construction On World’s First Full-Scale Replica Of Dubai
Chinese Astronomers Inform Beijing Residents Sky Will Be Visible For Rare 2-Minute Window Tomorrow Morning
Chinese Astronomers Inform Beijing Residents Sky Will Be Visible For Rare 2-Minute Window Tomorrow Morning
ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho
ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho
Assault Rifle In Iraq Losing Track Of How Many Times It’s Switched Sides During War
Assault Rifle In Iraq Losing Track Of How Many Times It’s Switched Sides During War
Premier League On Leicester City Title: ‘Order Will Soon Be Restored’
Premier League On Leicester City Title: ‘Order Will Soon Be Restored’
Extra Leicester Police Being Deployed To Join In With Celebrating Leicester City Fans After Title Win
Extra Leicester Police Being Deployed To Join In With Celebrating Leicester City Fans After Title Win
Monaco Residents Terrified To Walk Through Penthousing Projects
Monaco Residents Terrified To Walk Through Penthousing Projects
Who Is Queen Elizabeth II?
Who Is Queen Elizabeth II?
How You Can Protect Yourself Against The Zika Virus
How You Can Protect Yourself Against The Zika Virus
Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles
Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles
Alarming U.N. Report Finds World Lost 40 Million Acres Of Personal Space Last Year
Alarming U.N. Report Finds World Lost 40 Million Acres Of Personal Space Last Year
Decades Of Breathing Really Starting To Catch Up With Chinese Man
Decades Of Breathing Really Starting To Catch Up With Chinese Man
National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’
National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’
Hundreds Of Cuban Refugees Clinging To Air Force One On Flight Back To U.S.
Hundreds Of Cuban Refugees Clinging To Air Force One On Flight Back To U.S.
U.S.–Cuba Relations End After Obama Hit By Foul Ball At Exhibition Baseball Game
U.S.–Cuba Relations End After Obama Hit By Foul Ball At Exhibition Baseball Game
World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit
World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit
A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations
A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations
Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow
Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow
ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video
ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

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