adBlockCheck

Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans

PRINCETON, NJ—Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself than 8 out of 10 Americans.

Researchers stated that the striped 7-inch mammal displayed a degree of foresight and determination far exceeding that of the average U.S. citizen. In contrast to most Americans, the chipmunk was said to routinely work toward meaningful goals in an orderly and decisive manner without procrastinating for days on end, melodramatically sighing and complaining, or becoming immediately sidetracked by emails or online videos.

“During our 15 months of observation, we found that this chipmunk was better able to formulate plans, execute them, and ultimately enjoy a more balanced and stable life than a full four-fifths of the U.S. population,” said lead researcher Caroline Meehan, noting that the 3-ounce creature possessed sounder judgment and greater self-control than an estimated 250 million Americans. “Indeed, this chipmunk was able to accurately anticipate its wants and needs as far as weeks, months, or even a year ahead of time, whereas 80 percent of our human subjects were entirely incapable of looking beyond their next meal or that night’s television programming.”

“And when this chipmunk identified an obstacle that stood in the way of its goals, such as a branch blocking the entrance to its burrow, it would use problem-solving skills and take action to surmount it,” continued Meehan, “unlike the overwhelming majority of Americans, who just sat down and gave up at the mere hint of adversity.”

According to Meehan, when the chipmunk decided it needed to construct an underground shelter, the rodent simply performed the necessary digging quickly and efficiently, never pausing to go out with its chipmunk friends, take a nap, or eat for a few hours out of pure boredom. When researchers presented Americans with a similarly time-consuming task, nearly a quarter just stood there in the hope that someone else would come along and take care of it, another 20 percent quickly convinced themselves the task didn’t need to be performed at all, and more than one in three feigned illness or exhaustion in an effort to get out of it.

Researchers also repeatedly witnessed the small quadruped stuffing its cheeks with seeds and nuts and depositing them in one of its subterranean chambers for consumption during winter, displaying an inclination toward saving resources for the future that had “almost no behavioral equivalent” among U.S. citizens.

“While most Americans live an hour-to-hour existence based solely on satisfying immediate impulses, this chipmunk is able to realize that giving into its basest whims would ultimately be self-destructive,” said behavioral psychologist Alistair McKay. “Frankly, a 2-year-old chipmunk knows better than to eat its entire store of berries in one sitting because it tastes good or just lie in its nest until noon because it doesn’t feel like getting up. Americans would be well served to watch this chipmunk and follow its example.”

McKay also noted that the brown-furred creature’s well-crafted plans for the future extended to its families as well. The researcher stated that the chipmunk devoted a considerable amount of its time and resources toward raising productive and well-rounded young, as opposed to many American parents who were repeatedly observed exhausting their disposable income on updating their cell phones every several months and then spending nearly all of their free time engaging with these products instead of their offspring.

The report confirmed, however, that the small subset of Americans who do exercise the same level of forethought and determination as the 2-year-old chipmunk are affluent, healthy, and largely content.

“By putting the same amount of thought into their lives as this chipmunk puts into foraging for sunflower seeds, for example, a relative handful of Americans have been able to adequately prepare their children for college, build up a sizeable base of credit, avoid obesity and chronic disease, and even put enough money away to retire at age 65,” McKay said. “According to our calculations, if Americans as a whole expended even a fraction of the effort toward their future that this chipmunk displays toward lining its burrow with leaves, the country would quickly rid itself of problems as far-flung as economic stagnation, decaying infrastructure, and global warming.”

“On the other hand,” McKay added, “we found that if this chipmunk began living as an average American does, it would be dead within a month.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close