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Content From 2013-08-26

Men Dressed As Mormon Missionaries Rob Home

Two men dressed as Mormon missionaries rang the doorbell of a Las Vegas house and told the homeowner they wanted to speak with him about Jesus Christ, before pulling out a gun, assaulting the resident, entering his home, and stealing cash and iPads.

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.

Nate Silver Vows To Teach Chris Berman How To Read

BRISTOL, CT—Weeks following the announcement of his move to ESPN, renowned statistician Nate Silver told reporters Friday that he has made it his personal goal to teach his coworker and fellow analyst Chris Berman how to read. Silver confirmed that ...

Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday

WASHINGTON—Introducing a new measure set to be implemented nationwide, officials announced that gaps in restroom stall doors in American workplaces, restaurants, schools, theaters, and all other public places will be made wider by the start of busin...

Pope Benedict Says God Told Him To Resign

Speaking publicly for the first time since he stepped down, 86-year-old pope emeritus Benedict XVI claimed that his surprise resignation in February was due to a months-long “mystical experience” during which “God told [him]” to re...

Biden Time

A&E 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Joe’s constant fidgeting leads Starla to think his piercing is infected.

Saturday, August 31

The Petersons will have an Open Jump on their new trampoline this Saturday from 1 to 6 p.m., after which it will never be used again.

Bradley Manning Wants To Live As Woman

One day after receiving a 35-year sentence for leaking classified information, Army Pfc. Bradley Manning announced that he has always felt he is a woman, that he wants to begin hormone therapy, and that he wants people to refer to him as Chelsea.

Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a groundbreaking new study published Thursday in The Journal Of Natural And Applied Sciences, people who are far away from you are actually not, as once thought, physically smaller than you. The five-year study, con...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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