00:00:00.000,00:00:03.000 Captions by www.SubPLY.com . . . . . . . . . . . . . 00:00:00.470,00:00:04.040 Good morning. Throughout my lifetime in public service 00:00:04.240,00:00:06.610 as a representative of the state of New Hampshire, 00:00:07.240,00:00:09.610 I have tried to live up to a code of moral values. 00:00:11.380,00:00:13.680 Therefore, it pains me to stand before you today 00:00:14.080,00:00:17.420 and tell you that later this afternoon I will be engaging in an 00:00:17.860,00:00:19.090 extramarital affair. 00:00:19.760,00:00:24.930 My actions at the Washington Plaza Hotel beginning an hour and a half from now, 00:00:25.570,00:00:27.740 depending on traffic on Massachusetts Avenue, 00:00:28.170,00:00:30.570 will be reprehensible and indefensible. 00:00:31.840,00:00:33.640 Of course I will wish that I had never made 00:00:33.840,00:00:37.040 the horrible mistake I'm about to spend several hours making. 00:00:37.450,00:00:40.290 But sadly, I'm currently too blinded by greed and lust 00:00:40.480,00:00:44.320 to care about, or consider the consequences of my actions. 00:00:45.620,00:00:47.790 First and foremost, I want to humbly apologize 00:00:48.260,00:00:50.230 to the citizens of New Hampshire. 00:00:50.860,00:00:53.160 The liaison I will be taking part in shortly 00:00:53.570,00:00:55.240 with two poor, deaf, teenage runaways, 00:00:55.700,00:00:59.610 is indirect opposition to the values you elected me to uphold. 00:01:00.880,00:01:03.250 I also wish to apologize to my wife Linda. 00:01:04.950,00:01:07.890 Linda, I'm about to betray your trust. 00:01:08.950,00:01:11.320 I wish I could spare you the incredible pain and anguish 00:01:11.750,00:01:13.220 I'm about to inflict on you. 00:01:14.530,00:01:16.270 If only I were a stronger man right now, 00:01:16.860,00:01:20.330 I would not be planning to soon fall prey to temptation 00:01:20.770,00:01:22.000 over and over again 00:01:22.440,00:01:24.140 until the early hours of tomorrow morning, 00:01:24.810,00:01:26.910 when the hotel kicks me out due to all the noise 00:01:27.370,00:01:29.430 the whips and teenagers are making. 00:01:30.980,00:01:33.050 To my two beautiful children, Allison and Christopher, 00:01:33.720,00:01:35.660 my deepest apologies to you. 00:01:36.520,00:01:38.890 It hurts me more than you will ever know 00:01:39.090,00:01:41.830 that this scandal I'm running late to 00:01:42.460,00:01:44.400 will impact your life so terribly. 00:01:45.260,00:01:47.630 I can only pray that the revelations you will soon hear 00:01:48.100,00:01:50.940 concerning my fetishes, physical flexibility, and penis, 00:01:51.600,00:01:53.700 will not scar you to the point of dementia. 00:01:54.540,00:01:58.710 Lastly, I apologize to the makers of Pillsbury Refrigerated Buttermilk Biscuits. 00:01:59.550,00:02:03.290 That your fine product will be associated in the minds 00:02:03.720,00:02:07.630 of so many customers, with what I'm about to use them for, 00:02:08.490,00:02:10.290 is highly unfortunate and unforgivable. 00:02:11.100,00:02:14.300 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the hotel immediately, 00:02:14.500,00:02:16.940 so I will not be taking questions. Thank you. 00:02:17.970,00:02:22.380 STILL AHEAD: Novelty Chattering Teeth Still Fillibustering