adBlockCheck

Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Satisfaction

Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris

CHICAGO—According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.

The couple—who appear to be in their early 20s and, sources said, are in the center of Chicago, not the City of Light—locked lips more than 15 minutes ago, and have since been seen nuzzling each other’s necks, staring deeply into each other’s eyes, and generally carrying on as if they were out for a stroll along the banks of the goddamn Seine.

“For Christ’s sake, where are we, the Champs-Élysées?” said bus commuter Temisha Woodry, 38, adding that she has never witnessed such an amorous display at the stop, where most attempts at conversation are reportedly drowned out by the continuous noise of traffic from the nearby highway underpass. “Is that it? Are we on the most beloved and beautiful avenue in the world?”

“Because I thought this was just a pot-holed road that goes to a shitty park,” Woodry added.

After watching the pair embrace on the filthy bench as if it were a sun-dappled picnic blanket in the Tuileries, bystanders told reporters they immediately did a double take, checking to make sure they were, in fact, waiting at a bus stop in Chicago and not relaxing in the breathtaking gardens adjacent to the Louvre.

Other commuters said that upon witnessing the marathon make-out session, they just assumed they must have stumbled into some kind of precious little candlelit bistro where young lovers meet on balmy Parisian nights, stealing kisses over a bottle of fine claret and imagining, if just for a moment, that they’re the only two people in the world.

“Ugh, this isn’t the fucking Place de la Concorde,” said reluctant onlooker Diego Ojeda, 26, adding that the couple must think they’re embracing on “some goddamn moonlit bridge somewhere” instead of on a bench right off the I-94 interchange. “And it’s not the 1920s, either. The way they’re going at it, you’d think they had spent days apart, sitting at sidewalk cafés in the Latin Quarter, scribbling love poems in Moleskine notebooks, and desperately awaiting their next rendezvous.”

“I just hope to God I don’t have to sit next to them,” he added.

As they waited for the bus—which sources said the couple must think is some kind of private horse-drawn carriage coming to whisk them through the avenues of gay Paris—commuters said they did their best to look away from the increasingly eager groping of the lustful youths.

The exception was a visibly intoxicated homeless man who reportedly leered at the pair, and whose tuneless humming the couple apparently must have mistook for the serenade of an accordionist playing sentimental melodies along a cobblestone side street in Montmartre.

At press time, the bus had arrived, and riders confirmed they were impressed that the couple had managed to climb aboard, pay their fares, and take their seats while continuously “sucking face” and “not even coming up for fucking air.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close