PORTLAND, OR—Pointing out that the total dipshit had dropped dozens of acorns all along the length of pavement, sources confirmed Thursday that a completely idiotic tree keeps trying to plant seeds on the sidewalk.
JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.
EUGENE, OR—Sending a text totally out of the blue after months without any communication whatsoever, your ex-boyfriend reportedly just thought he’d check in and throw your whole day off Wednesday.
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Explaining that the pressure was on to drive this thing home after setting the bar so high right off the bat, sources reported Tuesday that local office worker Jackie Sosa really needs to stick the landing to the sentence she just began with “Oh my God.”
WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.
MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.
ROCKVILLE, MD—Staring attentively at the potential prey while carefully weighing its best course of action, local cat Jasper was reportedly locked in an intense internal debate Wednesday about whether or not to rip the head off a smaller creature it had just happened upon.
MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.
DEKALB, IL—Painstakingly sifting through multiple social media accounts as she cross-referenced a series of names, dates, and locations, area woman Alexis Gill, 28, reportedly pieced together a timeline of her boyfriend’s past relationships Tuesday like a detective hot on the trail of the Zodiac Killer.
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Expressing deep regret for her “inexcusable” behavior, local 29-year-old Erin Griffith is said to have really laid into herself Monday for failing to reply to a friend’s email sooner.
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Expressing frustration about the entree’s preparation to his waiter, local man Chuck Harrington reportedly sent back his Applebee’s steak Thursday for not being properly slathered.
STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation.
SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, FL—Growing increasingly tense as he listened to the jovial back-and-forth exchange on his immediate right, local barbershop patron Dan Wilkes reportedly felt immense pressure Friday to live up to the conversation occurring between the stylist and the customer at the next chair.
HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that his current employment situation is intended merely as a stopgap, local man Simon Goldinger, 23, confirmed Thursday that he only plans to wait tables until the fundamental structure of the American economy undergoes a complete overhaul.
SKOKIE, IL—Describing how the affection between the pair was apparent the moment he met them, Father Gregory McNeil is said to have delivered a whole little spiel Saturday about how truly in love local couple Colin Brayer and Allison Trudeau are despite him not knowing them for very long.
SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.
BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.
AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school district.
CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.
SLATON, TX—Comforting grieving teammates and students left and right, Byron Meadows High School psychologist Mark Caldwell was said to be absolutely crushing it this week in the wake of a fatal varsity football injury.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school.
NASHVILLE, TN—Her formerly cheerful voice suddenly becoming clipped and terse, Kroger morning supervisor Deanna Albas reportedly dropped her friendly cashier persona Thursday in order to address a struggling trainee.