Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

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Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

HICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...
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Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in the office, is not even particularly attractive. “It’s funny, because he’s nicer to look at than any other guy here, for sure, but you wouldn’t even give him a second glance if you saw him in a crowd or at a party,” said assistant sales manager Jessica Hartman, echoing thoughts reportedly shared by all of her coworkers. “Anywhere else he’d be pretty average, but here people treat him like he’s Ryan Gosling or something. You’d think in an office this size there would be someone cuter, but nope, out of the 50 or so guys who work here, he’s basically as hot as it gets.” Pressed further on the issue of Tyler’s attractiveness, several staff members acknowledged that if the circumstances arose, sure, they’d fuck him, why not?

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