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    Damaged Women Stage Drunken 2 a.m. March On Washington

    2:24

    The Damaged Women's Coalition angrily marched on the capitol this afternoon before returning later drunk and crying.

    Recent News
    Onion News Network On IFC
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    • More From This Episode: Ohio State Admissions Officer Welcomes 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy

      0:55
      Ohio State was quick to accept Tyler Morgan on a full scholarship after taking notice of the young teen’s talent.
    • The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'

      3:39
      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'The Sound of Music' in this week's Film Standard.
    • Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights?

      2:07

      Many critics are questioning whether interns deserve to be paid when pummeling each other for their supervisors' amusement.

    • How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

      2:50

      From the walk down the aisle to the emotional last kiss, our Today Now! wedding planner has tips on how to spice up all the father-daughter wedding traditions.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'

      3:53
      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' in this week's Film Standard.
    • Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

      2:59
      Brendan Jensen is taking the internet by storm with the elaborate love-themed maze he trapped his girlfriend inside for Valentine’s Day.
    • Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids

      2:51

      On Today Now!, parenting expert Rebecca McAllum somehow thinks she’s the authority on children everywhere.

    • New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car

      1:14

      Uber Seize is a new high-end service that lets users hijack vehicles whenever and however they want.

    • How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge

      2:53

      Defensive driving instructor Danny Preston says the best way to avoid conflict on the road is to execute long-term psychological torment on aggressive drivers.

    • This Week On Today Now!

      0:38

      Today Now! hosts Jim Haggerty and Tracy Gill give viewers a preview of the week ahead.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Home Alone'

      3:47

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Home Alone' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

      1:18
      Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
    • Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

      1:03

      In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Full article.

    • ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

      1:10

      The infallible Creator of the universe sits down for an intimate eye-opening interview.

    • Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

      2:11

      David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

      1:49

      Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice

      2:25

      An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.

    • Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time

      1:11

      In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.

    • Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

      1:18

      OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'

      3:51

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

      1:40

      Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

      2:02

      The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

      3:20

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

      2:54

      Special investigative reporter Gavin Fisher outfits his parents home with hidden cameras to refute claims he ruined the family's Thanksgiving gathering.

    • Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

      0:40

      The Onion News Network investigates the dangerous tradition of Fall Break parties where college students chug maple syrup and strip down to their long underwear.

    • Black Part Of Town Moves Across Town

      1:50

      Pennington, IL's only African-American family moves to the other side of town, causing residents to reminisce about the "Black part of town."

    • Back Of Library Smells Like Weed

      1:45

      Library patrons in Pennington, IL report that something definitely smells like weed back in the young adult section.

    • This Day In History: Apollo 12 Sent To Moon To Pick Up Trash Left By Apollo 11

      1:29

      On This Day In History, the astronauts of Apollo 12 landed on the moon to collect the pizza boxes and beer cans left behind by the famous Apollo 11 astronauts.

    • Reporter Steps In To Replace Woman's Missing Husband

      3:02

      When the war in Afghanistan leaves a woman without a husband, caring reporter O'Brady Shaw steps in to replace him.

    • Thousands Of Americans Trapped In 'Animal Hoarders' Marathon

      1:17

      Tens of thousands of Americans have found themselves tragically unable to tear themselves away from televisions showing a man who owns 30 chihuahuas.

    • Prevent Identity Theft By Changing Identity Every Three Years

      1:45

      Shelby Cross warns viewers to protect themselves by becoming a completely different person every few years.

    • What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?

      2:01

      The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search.

    • NASA Asks Russians To Stop Filming Porn On International Space Station

      1:42

      In the Daily Briefing, NASA scientists ask the Russians to please stop using the ISS as a personal porn studio and a Taliban attack on U.S. forces has led officials to announce they are 'so glad pretty soon America won't have to deal with this shit anymore'.

    • Country Artist Sings About Real America And Its Meth Addicts

      2:54
      On Today Now!, country singer Heath Williams sings about good old boys who smoke meth until their teeth fall out.  (Aired 11/11/11)
    • Teens Hold Clothing Drive For Classmate Who Dresses Really Ugly

      2:26

      On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy welcome two Sacramento teens who collected clothing for their classmate so she wouldn't have to look like a homeless person.

    • Romney's Numbers Skyrocket After Prostitute Reveals She Paid Him To Sleep With Her

      1:12

      Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around.

    • Are Wetland Preserves Simply Dead-Body Dumping Grounds?

      2:19

      Shelby Cross continues her crusade against bogs and marshes, which are good for nothing other than hiding bodies.

    • Breaking Story So New Reporter Literally Has No Information

      1:55

      On "Raw Story," O'Brady Shaw Investigates what may have been a shooting at a local mall, or may have been something else altogether.

    • Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe

      2:17

      Investigative reporter Gavin Fisher investigates the world of Chinese counterfeit goods by donning a long robe and a black wig.

    • Failed Musician Comes Crawling Back To Hometown

      1:55

      Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs.

    • High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs

      1:18

      A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one.

    • Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

      2:05

      Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive.

    • Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

      1:59

      Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

    Onion Film Standard

    More

    The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'

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    3:17

    The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'

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    1:28

    Today Now!

    More

    13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

    2:45

    How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

    2:50

    This Week On Today Now!

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    • 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

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