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Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

CHILLICOTHE, MO—Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder. “I just can’t process this—it’s all gone, vanished in an instant,” said an ashen-faced Jessica Talbott, 42, staring sullenly ahead as she mentioned that the family’s painstakingly saved collection of HD shows had included episodes of Sleepy Hollow and NCIS that she had dreamed of watching with her kids someday. “You hear about this happening to other families who don’t know how to work their settings, but you never think it could happen to you. How do you recover from a loss like this? How do you rebuild after losing two whole seasons of Person Of Interest? It won’t be easy, but I guess all we can do is put our heads down and try to find a way to move on.” After taking a moment to silently contemplate her grief, Talbott added that she was deeply grateful to friends and neighbors who had offered to lend their DVD collections to help the family through the trying weeks and months ahead.

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