Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

Top Headlines


Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

CHILLICOTHE, MO—Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder. “I just can’t process this—it’s all gone, vanished in an instant,” said an ashen-faced Jessica Talbott, 42, staring sullenly ahead as she mentioned that the family’s painstakingly saved collection of HD shows had included episodes of Sleepy Hollow and NCIS that she had dreamed of watching with her kids someday. “You hear about this happening to other families who don’t know how to work their settings, but you never think it could happen to you. How do you recover from a loss like this? How do you rebuild after losing two whole seasons of Person Of Interest? It won’t be easy, but I guess all we can do is put our heads down and try to find a way to move on.” After taking a moment to silently contemplate her grief, Talbott added that she was deeply grateful to friends and neighbors who had offered to lend their DVD collections to help the family through the trying weeks and months ahead.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close