Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat

FREMONT, CA—Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an unexpected threat, workplace sources confirmed. “I figured I would stop by unannounced during my lunch break with a few promises of physical violence, just to let Mallory know how much I’ve been thinking about hurting her,” said Strachan, adding that his girlfriend was completely surprised by his open display of antagonism at her desk in the middle of her workday. “Her face went completely red as soon as she saw me, so you could tell she totally didn’t see it coming. And before I left I whispered a little something hostile in her ear just to make her feel really unsafe for the rest of the day.” Strachan also confirmed that he was planning some “very special” abuse for his girlfriend when she returned home that evening.

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