Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

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Vol 50 Issue 29

Grandpa Looking Absolutely Precious In New Baseball Cap

A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap.

Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter

More mothers and fathers today are working full-time while raising kids, which means parents are increasingly turning to babysitters and nannies to care for their children at home.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest.

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