A doofus Chilean miner is stuck down there again. The US adds 4 million new jobs, but in Saint Louis. And a brief reprieve from Mariah Carey's Christmas song comes to a resounding end. Look on helplessly in abject horror at what your world has become. It's The Onion Week in Review. Violent explosions rocked a Baghdad market today killing 54 Iraqi citizens in not our problem anymore. The blasts were timed to coincide with evening prayers and were evidently part of a coordinated attack aimed at look, they're just going to have to learn to deal with this themselves because we're out of there come January. We cannot and will not allow insurgents to destabilize the gains we've made. And I literally put this mess out of my mind the second after it happened. Also in the region today, 14 civilians were reportedly killed near Kandahar in some shit we still have to fucking deal with. This week badly shaken researchers reported observing an osprey stalking, killing and devouring an adult male lion in what is being called a massive food chain shakeup. Confirmation of the three pound marine bird consuming the 400 pound feline has biologists scrambling to determine the new predator-prey connections between the planet's billions of organisms. We seem to be experiencing some sort of cross-species dietary free-for-all. Scientists say that the killing of the healthy, full-grown lion by a typical osprey specimen has lent credibility to recent reports of a deer seen grazing on a nest of squirrels in Wisconsin, as well as a claim made by a group of Japanese fisherman who say they witnessed 300 million krill devouring a 40-ton humpback whale. In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State last month, the nation's 10 year old boys called a press conference this week to insist that police be contacted immediately any time anyone witnesses a pre-pubescent child being raped. After a grand jury revealed that Nittany Lions football coach Jerry Sandusky was seen by a colleague raping a ten year old boy in 2002 and the proper authorities were never summoned, the assemblage of elementary school children said they felt it was necessary to clearly define the acceptable course of action if one witnesses such an act. The nation's little boys emphasized that seeing anyone commit any form of rape is more than enough reason to directly contact the police. And in This Week In Tech, brought to you by LG, Ford looks down on a website that would let itself be plastered in Ford's ads. And a local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever. In other news, NASA acquires the moon for an upcoming Kennedy Space Center exhibit. A radio DJ invites the whole town to some bullshit. And a court rules that Meryl Streep is unable to be tried by a jury as she has no peers. Assuming the many universes theory of quantum mechanics is accurate, the review you've just seen will remain relevant in another reality for all eternity. For more visit: theonion.com/newsbeat