Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year. “Our extensive, nationwide survey found that painting yourself a metallic color and standing perfectly still in front of strangers is not only a smart career choice, but one of the most lucrative professions in the country,” said lead researcher Ronald Morrow, noting that in larger markets such as Houston and New York, the median annual incomes of these motionless performers increases to “20 or 30 million, easy.” “Their overhead is limited to a few gallons of paint and some old bedsheets, and because it’s purely a cash business, their revenues may actually be much higher than what they’re reporting. For all we know, those guys painted to look like Statues of Liberty and standing in hotspots like Times Square could be pulling in $1 million every single day.” Economists added that while most people break into the profession by portraying iconic figures, earning power only increases with the ability to make startling movements that can “scare the bejeezus” out of passersby.