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Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

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PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year. “Our extensive, nationwide survey found that painting yourself a metallic color and standing perfectly still in front of strangers is not only a smart career choice, but one of the most lucrative professions in the country,” said lead researcher Ronald Morrow, noting that in larger markets such as Houston and New York, the median annual incomes of these motionless performers increases to “20 or 30 million, easy.” “Their overhead is limited to a few gallons of paint and some old bedsheets, and because it’s purely a cash business, their revenues may actually be much higher than what they’re reporting. For all we know, those guys painted to look like Statues of Liberty and standing in hotspots like Times Square could be pulling in $1 million every single day.” Economists added that while most people break into the profession by portraying iconic figures, earning power only increases with the ability to make startling movements that can “scare the bejeezus” out of passersby.

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