FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a $1 million reward. "Cheetahs seem really awesome, and we know there are Americans out there who can help us figure out if a cheetah would win in a 100-meter race against a 1998 Yamaha Virago," said FBI Director Robert Mueller, who paused to ask reporters several times during the course of his statement whether they knew if a cheetah would be able to beat a water buffalo in a fight. "Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so fucking sweet." The FBI stressed that finding out more about cheetahs will be the Bureau's top priority until they know how wide a canyon a cheetah could jump over going full speed with no wind.