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FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a $1 million reward. "Cheetahs seem really awesome, and we know there are Americans out there who can help us figure out if a cheetah would win in a 100-meter race against a 1998 Yamaha Virago," said FBI Director Robert Mueller, who paused to ask reporters several times during the course of his statement whether they knew if a cheetah would be able to beat a water buffalo in a fight. "Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so fucking sweet." The FBI stressed that finding out more about cheetahs will be the Bureau's top priority until they know how wide a canyon a cheetah could jump over going full speed with no wind.

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