FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

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Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Race Relations

FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs

WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a $1 million reward. "Cheetahs seem really awesome, and we know there are Americans out there who can help us figure out if a cheetah would win in a 100-meter race against a 1998 Yamaha Virago," said FBI Director Robert Mueller, who paused to ask reporters several times during the course of his statement whether they knew if a cheetah would be able to beat a water buffalo in a fight. "Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so fucking sweet." The FBI stressed that finding out more about cheetahs will be the Bureau's top priority until they know how wide a canyon a cheetah could jump over going full speed with no wind.

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