The Prime Minister of Norway gets laid. Grandma upgrades to a cordless land line. And George R.R. Martin assures fans that these last two are going to be real turds. Welcome to a new year filled with fresh and vivid reminders of your own mortality. This is The Onion Week in Review. President Obama openly asked the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term. Citing idiotic questions about his birth certificate, overt racism, partisan rancor, a hopeless economy, Eric Cantor and the existence of people of literally want to shoot him dead, Obama asked a crowd of supporters to give him one, just one reason for seeking reelection. As of Friday, Beltway insiders are responding favorably to this new, impassioned Obama saying he reminds them of the Obama of old before a nonsensical political system and insane populace tore away his humanity and left him for dead. Citing his erratic social behavior, nondescript occupation and habit of accidentally walking off peers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37 year old Jeff Walther suspect he may be a bumbling spy. Walther, whose mysterious background and understated style are matched only by his lack of balance and coordination, sat down with an Onion reporter to discuss the local office analyst job he claims to have. A lot of people think it's probably very exciting but honestly it's kind of boring. It's a lot of paperwork. I'll be right back. Residents of Worcester, Massachusetts are kind of hoping a Panera Bread will show up and plow over an obnoxious neighborhood bakery. Locals have said that the soulless restaurant chain with its simple, impersonal experience would be just the thing to help run the precious little mom and pop establishment out of business. Callahan's is really lovely and all but it would be such a relief to have some college-aged kid take my order without making eye contact. I just need a cup of coffee. We're not friends. A follow-up survey of Worcester residents confirmed that 72% of patrons would rather be alerted of an order by a vibrating pager than a kind-faced woman who calls everybody sweetheart. It sports, NFL coaches admitted this week that it sucks when you have to punt because that means you don't have the ball anymore. In other news, Feds break up a brutal Las Vegas man-fighting ring. A Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins. And the boy scouts celebrate 100 years of preparing teens for not having cool friends. Great job, you watched a two minute video on a computer screen. Where shall we mail your medal to, dipshit? For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat