Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers

Top Headlines

Recent News

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Fantasy Sports

Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers

CHICAGO—A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago’s South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas to motivate their underperforming teachers, who they claim have apparently given up on education despite the pupils’ concerted efforts. “We’ve tried everything to reach out to our teachers in hopes of making a connection, but it’s just so hard to get through to them,” said 10th-grader Christopher Fenton, who confirmed that most of his instructors live in low-income households and lack the basic language skills to communicate effectively. “It’s difficult to walk in the classroom each morning and see them sitting listlessly at their desks, convinced that nothing they do at school matters. And, unfortunately, it creates a vicious cycle: They think they’re going nowhere, and so that’s how they behave.” While Fenton stated that the school’s inadequate facilities and out-of-date teaching materials were partly to blame for educators’ dismal performance, he also acknowledged the problem has been exacerbated by the perceptible substance abuse issues that afflict many of his teachers, a number of whom have already developed lifelong dependencies on drugs and alcohol.