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Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers

CHICAGO—A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago’s South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas to motivate their underperforming teachers, who they claim have apparently given up on education despite the pupils’ concerted efforts. “We’ve tried everything to reach out to our teachers in hopes of making a connection, but it’s just so hard to get through to them,” said 10th-grader Christopher Fenton, who confirmed that most of his instructors live in low-income households and lack the basic language skills to communicate effectively. “It’s difficult to walk in the classroom each morning and see them sitting listlessly at their desks, convinced that nothing they do at school matters. And, unfortunately, it creates a vicious cycle: They think they’re going nowhere, and so that’s how they behave.” While Fenton stated that the school’s inadequate facilities and out-of-date teaching materials were partly to blame for educators’ dismal performance, he also acknowledged the problem has been exacerbated by the perceptible substance abuse issues that afflict many of his teachers, a number of whom have already developed lifelong dependencies on drugs and alcohol.

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