Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

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Vol 49 Issue 18

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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