Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

CHICAGO—Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontinue his account.

“I think I’ve taken this about as far as it can go,” said Gartner, who created @AaronGartner in March 2010 and has gained, on average, a little over four Twitter followers per year since. “I’ll maybe give it a few more months, but yeah, I think I’m about done here.”

The 26-year-old stated that despite following 785 accounts, avidly retweeting others’ posts, and making sure to comment on topical events like the blackout during this year’s Super Bowl and Lindsay Lohan’s legal troubles, his account has basically come to the end of the line.

Gartner, who plans on hanging it up after receiving no more than three retweets in a given week, confirmed that his posts frequently incorporate popular hashtag-based games and trending topics that at first seemed like surefire ways of increasing his following but ultimately failed to help any of his tweets take off.

“Last year, I got on the Kony train pretty early, but I think my voice got lost,” said Gartner, adding that he’s tried to expand his online presence by thinking of tweets using hashtags such as #ShitMyDadSays, #ShitMyMomSays, #Belieber, and #TeaParty. “I think if more people retweeted my stuff instead of just favoriting it I might have gained a little more traction. The problem is nobody really sees favorites.”

“A couple days ago I wrote, ‘I’d eat bacon-flavored anything. RT if you agree!’” continued Gartner, whose most recent tweets include, “Um, it’s 2013, are we seriously talking about gay marriage?” “.@ConanOBrien, you ever going to come back to Chicago?” and “Thirsty as hell right now.” “I thought the bacon thing was pretty funny and pretty relatable, but the only response I got was a retweet from my brother. And last year, I did this thing where I tweeted about Boy Meets World for a week straight. Nothing.”

Gartner, whose most avid followers consist mainly of his aunt, his roommate, and an unfamiliar Twitter account from Argentina with the profile photo of an egg, told reporters that he got a sense his time was about up when he decided to live-tweet the Golden Globes and actually lost three followers. At one point last year, Gartner said, he was averaging 900 tweets per follower—a statistic that the sales manager admitted was “pretty much the writing on the wall.”

According to Gartner, the most Twitter followers he’s ever had at any given moment was 18.

“The trouble is people who follow me are friends and family who mostly just follow each other,” Gartner said. “So what usually happens is, I post a tweet, and then even if someone retweets me, it’s just being seen by the same people over and over again.”

“You need one of those guys with a checkmark to retweet you so that you can break through a little,” added Gartner, who mentioned that several months ago he “threw a Hail Mary” and tweeted at President Barack Obama in hopes that whomever runs his account might see the post and retweet him. “But the longer it goes on, the longer it seems like that’s never going to happen. At this point, I think I just have to cut my losses.”

While Gartner said he never expected to have 500,000 followers, he did think that after three years of tweeting, he’d be able to make some sort of impression and amass at least 500 followers, and definitely more than 20. However, Gartner now reportedly believes it just wasn’t in the cards.

“I gave it my best shot, but I think it’s about time to call it a day,” he said. “Maybe I’ll try a couple more tweets and see if any of them strike a vein, but honestly, I think I’ve done what I can here.”

At press time, Gartner was reportedly rereading a tweet he posted in November 2012 that received three favorites and two retweets.