High School For Performing Arts Student Dealing With Really Weird Social Pressures

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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High School For Performing Arts Student Dealing With Really Weird Social Pressures

PHILADELPHIA—Philadelphia High School for Performing and Visual Arts student Samantha Bylum, 16, told reporters this week that she is currently experiencing an overwhelming amount of pressure to conform to some really weird social norms. “I just want to play one of the supporting roles in [Tennessee Williams’ play] Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, but I feel like I won’t be cool if I don’t try out for [the role of] Margaret,” said Bylum, who has also felt compelled by her peers to engage in bizarre, abnormal behaviors such as memorizing dialogues from Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead and enjoying the new Esperanza Spalding album. “Of course, if I do get the part, I’ll have to quit tap, and then everyone will think I’m a total loser.” At press time, Bylum was being mercilessly teased for never having seen the play August: Osage County.

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