ATHENS, GA—Saying he would personally be extremely wary of investing in a property with such a fundamental structural flaw, home inspector Samuel Finch warned local couple Irene and Matthew Gilman today that the house they were considering purchasing lacked a banister you can slide all the way down.
NOVI, MI—Citing his desire for a slightly less hectic schedule that would allow him a little free time during his senior year, local student Matt Reynolds, 17, reportedly decided this week to quit a club that would have set his application apart from others and secured his admission to his dream college.
FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”
PORTLAND, ME—Confirming that their expectations had been set high given the fun, off-kilter decor in the dining area, patrons at Nikki’s Grill said Tuesday that the quirky restaurant’s restroom had better fucking deliver.
WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.
SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy Tufts reportedly needed his father to stand right next to him on the merry-go-round platform for the entire duration of the ride Wednesday.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.
SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could.
EASTON, NJ—Refusing to allow the subtle objectification and belittlement to taint the story of how they first met, members of the Thurman family confirmed Friday that they were tuning out the hints of misogyny in their grandfather’s loving recollection of courting their grandmother.
CATOOSA, OK—After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilizing, pruning, and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz confirmed Wednesday that an entire summer of tending her backyard garden had yielded one edible cherry tomato.
SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.
CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
GREENVILLE, SC—Insisting there is no way anyone else would be able to get ahold of the weapons in his home, local gun owner Kevin Williamson told reporters Thursday he always keeps his firearms securely locked away where only he can access them during a severe mental breakdown.
DENVER—Removing the Middle Eastern specialty from its paper carryout bag as he returned to his office desk, local insurance salesman Robert Devinshire reportedly braced himself Monday to undergo an extensive interrogation from his coworkers about where he got falafel.
BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they hadn’t yet found a location with the proper combination of bland decor, uncomfortable seats, and bleak fluorescent lighting, admissions officials at Bowling Green State University confirmed Friday they were still looking for the absolute saddest place on campus to hold their upcoming transfer student orientation.
DULUTH, MN—Saying that there seemed to be no clear pattern to the animal’s responses, local pet owner Wendy Vogl reported Friday that it is impossible to tell what sounds will cause her cat to totally freak out.
NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.
MILWAUKEE—Going above and beyond the simple proposition of a 12-month lease, a local Craigslist apartment listing reportedly sweetened the pot Tuesday with an offer to sell the current tenant’s nearly decade-old furniture, sources confirmed.
ANDOVER, MA—While saying he’d always known that “everything would fall apart eventually,” 45-year-old Bruce Lifschitz admitted his surprise to reporters Friday that his body was breaking down in a completely different order than he expected it would.
BOSTON—Thinking quickly to devise a list of reasons why the area was not an ideal choice, local billing clerk Tim Connors, 33, managed to skillfully downplay the desirability of his neighborhood to a coworker who expressed an interest in potentially moving there, sources confirmed Wednesday.
SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure that none of his coworkers would be within earshot of his call, DocuSign employee David Olson reportedly retreated to a remote corner of the office Friday to complete a particularly disgusting food order.
CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.
ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.
MILWAUKEE—Frequently choking back tears, African-American computer technician Michael Shaw bid an emotional goodbye to his wife and 6-year-old son before making his morning commute Thursday, sources confirmed.
NEW YORK—After reviewing the job candidate’s impressive educational background, research experience, and work history, hiring managers at Geneventis Pharmaceuticals reportedly flat-out asked female applicant Caitlyn Heard today about how much mileage they can get out of her before she has a baby.
RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring.
HOBOKEN, NJ—In a concerted effort to eliminate any possibility of perceived resentment or antagonism, local account manager Jessica Koerper reportedly cycled through a variety of non-threatening voice inflections in her head Friday before vocalizing a concern to her manager.
WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.
NEW ULM, MN—Admitting that he could hardly even recognize her, local 12-year-old Ethan Harrelson was reportedly surprised Monday by how much bigger his aunt Judy Stohl had gotten since the previous year.
CHICAGO—Sighing as he scanned the room and performed a mental tally of everyone he would invite, local 26-year-old Andrew Bryer sadly realized that his cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host a party with all of his friends, sources confirmed Friday.
NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal.
WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday.
LYNNFIELD, MA—In an effort to provide sanctuary for Lynnfield College students exposed to perspectives different from their own, a new campus safe space was dedicated Wednesday in honor of Alexis Stigmore, a 2009 graduate who felt kind of weird in class one time.
NEW YORK—Following an evening of heavy drinking at local bar McGuire’s Tavern, 32-year-old Peter Larsen reportedly awoke with a hangover Wednesday and was horrified to discover he had made dozens of plans the previous night.
CROWN POINT, IN—Saying she was happy to find a nice shady spot to sit while everyone else went on the ride, local mother Molly Costello announced Tuesday that she would rather just stay right here and watch her family have fun.
MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Hoping the detour would ensure he never so much as exchanged one word with that prick from accounting, Peak Industries employee Brian Dahl hastily changed his trip to the kitchen into a trip to the bathroom in order to avoid a despised coworker, sources confirmed Monday.
GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.
ARLINGTON, VA—Rapidly running through a list of non-pharmaceutical options that might resolve his patient’s anxiety issues, local physician Alan Caplan offered a series of half-hearted alternatives Friday before handing out drugs.
SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.
ATLANTA—Casually holding the drink between her index finger and thumb, a Delta Airlines flight attendant is at this moment trying to pass a cup of cranberry juice over your laptop, sources aboard the aircraft have confirmed.
MILPITAS, CA—Saying his casual writing style made him “stand out immediately,” sources at Redding Media reported Monday that the informal tone of Michael Yanover’s job application had set him apart from the candidates under serious consideration.
CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area.
CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed.
SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes.
AKRON, OH—Squandering the authority and respect accumulated during his tenure, Pantheon Systems senior manager Robert Crawford, 52, reportedly had his clout instantly evaporate Thursday upon his being seen wearing shorts at the company’s annual summer picnic.
DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.
ST. LOUIS—Noting the modern interface and newly installed software, sources confirmed Tuesday that the vending machine in Kenwood High School’s cafeteria is the most up-to-date technology in the school.
ACTON, MA—Ingesting a single 15 mg pill of the medication at the start of every school day, local 16-year-old moron Josh Wagner is completely wasting his Adderall prescription on his mental health, flabbergasted sources reported Wednesday.
ST. PAUL, MN—Mentioning that there were some great deals on weekend round trips right now, local mother Carolyn Lynch reportedly recommended a previously unheard-of form of transportation Tuesday that her son could take to travel home.
HARTFORD, CT—After his health insurance provider selflessly paid dozens of claims, covered no fewer than five generic drug prescriptions, and fielded his near-daily phone calls, ungrateful policy member Samuel Clifton, 59, had the temerity to just up and die Monday without so much as a word of explanation, sources reported.
ATLANTA—Calling it a vital, formative experience that led him to find his true calling, junior sales associate Matthew Swenson recalled Wednesday the desperate and exhausting 14-month job search that inspired him to pursue a career in sales.
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
HARTFORD, CT—Noting that they had never seen such a bold and impressive show of dominance, Burkart Industries employees confirmed Monday that account analyst Ken Perlis just looked like a total badass when he threw a fit and stormed out of the room during a meeting.
LENOX, GA—Cringing at the thought of the embarrassing blunder being forever preserved on film, a local garter snake was reportedly humiliated Friday after a documentary crew caught footage of it completely whiffing while lunging at a toad.
CHICAGO—Racking his brain to come up with what he felt were the most natural and appropriate reactions, local man Jeff Stadler was reportedly forced to come up with 45 seconds’ worth of varied facial expressions Friday as his server at Superior Seafood Grill listed off the restaurant’s daily specials.
PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began addressing him directly.
ELKHART, IN—Saying that he likes to indulge her every once in a while, local man Wayne Timmons, 28, reportedly treated his mother to a small detail about his personal life during a phone conversation Thursday.
WATERBURY, CT—Saying it’s become a bit of an eyesore in the neighborhood, Waterbury residents noted Tuesday that local woman Jackie McAllister still has a tree standing in her yard weeks after Arbor Day.
PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.
MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.
MINNEAPOLIS—Saying she was glad to finally be able to apply her psychiatric training, local child therapist Pamela Thornton expressed her excitement to reporters Friday at the prospect of seeing a patient with actual psychological issues.
ALBANY, NY—Second-guessing the purchase as she arrived at her friend’s birthday party Friday, area woman Kelly Hardin told reporters she hoped her humorous card featuring a shirtless hunk would be received by Amanda Riordan in the fun, lighthearted spirit with which it was intended.
PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to ease any concerns about her presence at the apartment, local man Jason Ballard assured his two roommates Wednesday that his girlfriend would only be staying over for the entire duration of their relationship.
HAMILTON, OH—Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School.
WORTHEN, CT—Saying the move will help avoid any controversy during the celebration, administrators from Boswitch College confirmed Thursday that the school will allow each graduating senior to choose an individual commencement speaker in order to make the ceremony acceptable for all.
CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.
COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child.
HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle.
MILL VALLEY, CA—Noting that there are dozens of awful aspects of his personality that he hasn’t even begun to address, sources confirmed Monday that local 28-year-old Ryan Glass’ constant self-deprecation only scratches the surface of how truly pathetic he is.
WALTHAM, MA—Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday.
INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.
BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.
UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.
ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift.
ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night.