Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set

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Vol 49 Issue 40

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions.

Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China

The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games: Bills at Browns OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his k...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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