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    Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

    1:47

    Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.

    Recent News
    Tech Trends
    All Videos
    • Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'

      2:11

      David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.

    • Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

      1:28

      The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.

    • Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

      1:49

      Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

    • CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company

      2:07

      A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.

    • Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice

      2:25

      An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.

    • Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time

      1:11

      In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. Full article.

    • Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

      1:18

      OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'

      3:51

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

      1:40

      Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup. Full article.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals

      2:02

      The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.

    • Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

      1:44

      According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.

    • The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

      3:20

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season

      1:33

      If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.

    • Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores

      2:02

       Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.

    • Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

      1:18

      According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.

    • More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

      2:26

      Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.

    • New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong

      2:37

      The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.

    • Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

      1:58

      Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.

    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'

      3:32

      The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standard.

    • Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher

      1:57

      According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.

    • The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment

      1:00

      Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.

    • Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

      2:37
      The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need.
    • Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo

      1:36

      The screaming whirlwind of drunkenness has been gathering strength all week and has already made a mess of herself in a number of local bars.

    • Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings

      2:11

      Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. Full article.

    • Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys

      1:53

      A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.

    • SPONSORED: New Video Game ‘Horrifying’ For Anyone Who’s Never Experienced Terror Of Real Life

      2:16

      Reviewers agree: The Evil Within reaches an unprecedented level of terror, assuming that the player has never had to deal with the blood-curdling realities of everyday life.

    • New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From

      2:24

      The new app pinpoints the unique existential angst at the core of each runner’s workout routine.

    • New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly

      2:03

      Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.

    • Bored Scientists Now Just Sticking Random Things Into Large Hadron Collider

      1:53

      One year after confirming the existence of the Higgs Boson, or “God Particle,” scientists at CERN say they are struggling to find other uses for the giant particle accelerator.

    • SPONSORED: Groundbreaking Video Game Lets Players Customize Characters' Genetic Code

      2:07

      Video game customization reaches new heights in 'The Elder Scrolls Online' thanks to a feature that allows players to customize their character’s bones, flesh, and nervous system.

    • More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks

      2:26

      Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.

    • New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong

      2:37

      The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.

    • SPONSORED: New Video Game’s Second-Person Shooter Mode Features Someone Just Describing Game To You

      2:34

      The revolutionary second-person mode presents players with an authoritative voice describing the players’ actions without any of the hassle of actual gameplay.

    • SPONSORED: New Wolfenstein Game Lets Players Choose Which Country Won WWII

      1:58

      The new Wolfenstein game lets players experience an immersive alternate reality in which France, Denmark, Canada or any other country of their choice won WWII, and now rules the world with an iron fist.

    • SPONSORED: Barbed Wire Industry Protests Negative Portrayal In ‘Evil Within’ Video Game

      1:45

      Representatives from barbed wire advocacy groups are up in arms over the fencing material’s portrayal in a violent new video game.

    • Teens Migrating From Facebook To Comments Section Of Slow-Motion Deer Video

      2:00

      Trendwatchers say more and more teens are leaving Facebook and Twitter in favor of the comments section on a YouTube video of a deer running in slow motion.

    • New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick

      1:54

      Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.

    • HP Offers 'That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About'

      2:10

      HP announced they're making a new push into cloud computing and that they totally know what that is.

    • New Prius Helps Environment By Killing Its Owner

      1:26

      Toyota's new Prius Solution reduces its driver's carbon footprint to zero by impaling them through the lungs with spikes as soon as they get in the car.

    • Internet Scam Alert: Most "Kickstarter" Projects Just Useless Crap

      2:32

      Internet criminals are using a website called "Kickstarter" to bilk friends and families out of money for terrible, ill-conceived, and unnecessary "personal projects."

    • New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products

      2:16

      Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.

    • New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

      2:34

      The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.

    • Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk

      2:19

      Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.

    • Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

      2:42

      Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.

    • Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

      2:09

      Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.

    Onion Special Report

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    Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms

    1:30

    Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

    1:11

    Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

    1:46

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    Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

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    Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do

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    Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics

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    Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

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    • SPONSORED: New Video Game 'Horrifying' For Anyone Who's Never Experienced Terror Of Real Life

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