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Brightly Colored Uniforms Boost Employee Morale

ELGIN, IL—The recent implementation of new cardinal and maize uniforms as the mandatory dress code at GrocerKing Food Stores has not only made employees look better, but also greatly boosted worker morale, sources within the regional supermarket chain's extensive management hierarchy reported Monday.

Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference Monday to assure Midlantic customers that they can still expect the same atrocious service they have always received in the past. "Just because we've merged with First Federal doesn't mean we've changed," Midlantic president Harlan Shore said. "In the future, you can expect the same long lines, stand-offish tellers, and exorbitantly high loan rates you've come to count on here at Midlantic."

Telemarketers May Not Actually Care How You Are Doing

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Late in the afternoon, the warm, cheery sound of a ringing telephone fills the home of San Diego housewife Sandy Morris. "How are you doing?" asks the caller, her voice calm and friendly on the line. Pleased with the caller's good-natured, neighborly inquiry into her well-being, Morris warms to the conversation, and the two women quickly establish a rapport.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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