Onion, Inc. Sites

The Onion Logo

In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

Top Headlines

Politics

Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

Features Of The Obama Presidential Library

Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain

What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Who Is Marco Rubio?

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy.

Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, stat...

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

Addressing issues ranging from income inequality and tax reform to trade agreements and the Cuba embargo, President Obama offered arguments for a wide range of policy proposals in last night’s State of the Union.

First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table

WASHINGTON—Praising the bold new perspective he has introduced to Congress since being sworn in last week, sources said Monday that first-term representative Barry Loudermilk (R-GA) has already brought a host of fresh roadblocks to the table.

The GOP’s Legislative Agenda

With the GOP formally taking control of Congress today following victories in November’s midterm elections, House and Senate Republicans are in a strong position to push their legislative agenda.

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work

President Obama has announced that he will take a series of executive actions to protect up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation and help pave the way for those living in the country illegally to become U.S. citizens. Here is a step-by-step look at the president’s plan

Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate

WASHINGTON—With precincts reporting GOP victories in key midterm election races nationwide, Beltway sources confirmed Tuesday that the Republican Party is poised to retain its complete control of the U.S.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?
In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?
What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations
What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations
Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists
Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists
Hillary Clinton Suspended 3 Weeks By FEC For Spitting On Volunteer
Hillary Clinton Suspended 3 Weeks By FEC For Spitting On Volunteer
Candidate Profile: Scott Walker
Candidate Profile: Scott Walker
How Greece Can Solve Its Debt Crisis
How Greece Can Solve Its Debt Crisis
Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs
Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs
Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal
Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal
Obamacare: Recklessly Providing More Americans With Access To Longer Lifespans
Obamacare: Recklessly Providing More Americans With Access To Longer Lifespans
Jeb Bush Surprised How Easily Stance On Confederate Flag Set Him Apart From Other Republican Candidates
Jeb Bush Surprised How Easily Stance On Confederate Flag Set Him Apart From Other Republican Candidates
Frustrated Republicans Argue Pope Should Leave Science To Scientists Who Deny Climate Change
Frustrated Republicans Argue Pope Should Leave Science To Scientists Who Deny Climate Change
Candidate Profile: Donald Trump
Candidate Profile: Donald Trump
Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush
Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush
Rick Santorum Slightly Embarrassed For Man Introducing Him As Next President Of United States
Rick Santorum Slightly Embarrassed For Man Introducing Him As Next President Of United States
Tanned, Exquisitely Coiffed Bernie Sanders Tells Supporters Corporations Actually Have A Lot To Offer
Tanned, Exquisitely Coiffed Bernie Sanders Tells Supporters Corporations Actually Have A Lot To Offer
Candidate Profile: Rick Perry
Candidate Profile: Rick Perry
Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham
Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham
Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley
Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley
Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum
Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum
Obama Still Hasn’t Figured Out How To Adjust Height Of Oval Office Desk Chair
Obama Still Hasn’t Figured Out How To Adjust Height Of Oval Office Desk Chair
Proposed Law Would Require Mothers To Look At Pictures Of Congressmen She Disappointing Before Having Abortion
Proposed Law Would Require Mothers To Look At Pictures Of Congressmen She Disappointing Before Having Abortion
Hillary Clinton Campaign Shuts Down After Blowing Through $2 Billion In First Month
Hillary Clinton Campaign Shuts Down After Blowing Through $2 Billion In First Month
Features Of The Obama Presidential Library
Features Of The Obama Presidential Library
Anthropologists Discover Ancient Greek Super PAC That Helped Shape First Democracy
Anthropologists Discover Ancient Greek Super PAC That Helped Shape First Democracy
Urban Polling Centers Recommend Voters Start Lining Up Now For 2016 Election
Urban Polling Centers Recommend Voters Start Lining Up Now For 2016 Election
What Is A Super PAC?
What Is A Super PAC?
Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee
Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee
Capitol Building Dome Deflates
Capitol Building Dome Deflates
Who Is Ben Carson?
Who Is Ben Carson?
Who Is Carly Fiorina?
Who Is Carly Fiorina?
Obama Lays Out Plan To Achieve Lasting Peace Talks In Middle East
Obama Lays Out Plan To Achieve Lasting Peace Talks In Middle East
Who Is Bernie Sanders?
Who Is Bernie Sanders?
Nation Just Hoping Next President Can Prevent Country’s Decline From Being Totally Humiliating
Nation Just Hoping Next President Can Prevent Country’s Decline From Being Totally Humiliating
Authorities Believe Man Radicalized While Serving 18 Years In Congress
Authorities Believe Man Radicalized While Serving 18 Years In Congress
Iowa Restaurant Patron Can Remember Every Breakfast Ruined By Presidential Candidates
Iowa Restaurant Patron Can Remember Every Breakfast Ruined By Presidential Candidates
Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable
Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable
Architect Presents Obama With Generic Options For War Memorial That Could Work For Syria, Libya, Yemen
Architect Presents Obama With Generic Options For War Memorial That Could Work For Syria, Libya, Yemen
U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption
U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption
Hillary Clinton: The Merciless, Unrelenting March To The Presidency
Hillary Clinton: The Merciless, Unrelenting March To The Presidency
Who Is Marco Rubio?
Who Is Marco Rubio?
Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’
Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’
Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton
Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton
Ron Paul Withholding Presidential Endorsement Until True Libertarian Candidate Enters Race
Ron Paul Withholding Presidential Endorsement Until True Libertarian Candidate Enters Race
Who Is Rand Paul?
Who Is Rand Paul?
New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems
New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems
Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo
Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo
Indiana Governor Insists New Law Has Nothing To Do With Thing It Explicitly Intended To Do
Indiana Governor Insists New Law Has Nothing To Do With Thing It Explicitly Intended To Do
Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist’s Order Without Even Having To Be Told
Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist’s Order Without Even Having To Be Told
Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever
Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever
‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face
‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face
Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate
Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate
Who Is Ted Cruz?
Who Is Ted Cruz?
Michelle Obama Renovates Van Buren Workout Room
Michelle Obama Renovates Van Buren Workout Room
Michael Dukakis Still Drives Old Tank Everywhere
Michael Dukakis Still Drives Old Tank Everywhere
U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises
U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises
Mitt Romney Still Thinking About Running For President In 2012
Mitt Romney Still Thinking About Running For President In 2012
Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act
Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act
Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died
Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died
Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People
Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People
Netanyahu Doubles Down Against Obama With PowerPoint On Perils Of Affordable Care Act
Netanyahu Doubles Down Against Obama With PowerPoint On Perils Of Affordable Care Act
A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations
A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations
Netanyahu Assures Critics He Still Has Utmost Respect For U.S. Money
Netanyahu Assures Critics He Still Has Utmost Respect For U.S. Money
John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico
John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico
Authorities Demolish Capitol Building That Was Site Of Gruesome 113th Congressional Session
Authorities Demolish Capitol Building That Was Site Of Gruesome 113th Congressional Session
Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours
Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours
Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya
Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya
‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower
‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower
Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism
Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism
Last Line Of Obama’s Military Force Request Briefly Mentions Possibility Of 25-Year Quagmire
Last Line Of Obama’s Military Force Request Briefly Mentions Possibility Of 25-Year Quagmire
GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls
GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls
Mitt Romney: The Path To The Non-Presidency
Mitt Romney: The Path To The Non-Presidency
Bobby Jindal Not Sure He Willing To Put Family Through 2-Month Presidential Campaign
Bobby Jindal Not Sure He Willing To Put Family Through 2-Month Presidential Campaign
Biden Co-Presents Best New Starlet Award With Shyla Stylez At 2015 AVN Adult Movie Awards Show
Biden Co-Presents Best New Starlet Award With Shyla Stylez At 2015 AVN Adult Movie Awards Show
State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home
State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home
Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address
Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address
Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip
Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip
Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address
Most Used Words In Obama’s State Of The Union Address
‘Well, Here’s What Won’t Pass,’ Obama Says Before Listing 35 Proposals
‘Well, Here’s What Won’t Pass,’ Obama Says Before Listing 35 Proposals
Biden’s Buffalo Wing Challenge Dinner Not Sitting Too Well
Biden’s Buffalo Wing Challenge Dinner Not Sitting Too Well
Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine
Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine
A Look At The 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners
A Look At The 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners
First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table
First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table
White House Running Out Of Paintings To Cover Spots Where Obama Has Punched Through Wall
White House Running Out Of Paintings To Cover Spots Where Obama Has Punched Through Wall
The GOP’s Legislative Agenda
The GOP’s Legislative Agenda
Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks
Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks
Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President
Michelle Obama Quietly Reassigned To Department Of Agriculture After Butting Heads With President
Critics Worried New CIA Report Puts U.S. At Considerable Risk Of Transparency
Critics Worried New CIA Report Puts U.S. At Considerable Risk Of Transparency
Aspiring Politician Hopes Government Leaves Some Women’s Rights For Him To Gut One Day
Aspiring Politician Hopes Government Leaves Some Women’s Rights For Him To Gut One Day
How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work
How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work
5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred
5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred
Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves
Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves
Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House
Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House
Senate Rejects Pipeline Plan That Would Have Created Thousands Of Climate Activist Jobs
Senate Rejects Pipeline Plan That Would Have Created Thousands Of Climate Activist Jobs
Congress Passes Bill To Add Armed Patrol To U.S. Poverty Line
Congress Passes Bill To Add Armed Patrol To U.S. Poverty Line
Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill
Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill
Ted Cruz’s Wife Shudders After Noticing Twin Beds Pushed Together
Ted Cruz’s Wife Shudders After Noticing Twin Beds Pushed Together
Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves
Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves
Morbidly Curious Nation Wondering How Far Obama’s Appearance Will Deteriorate In 2 Years
Morbidly Curious Nation Wondering How Far Obama’s Appearance Will Deteriorate In 2 Years
Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate
Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate
Congressman To Attempt Living Off Military’s Budget For One Month
Congressman To Attempt Living Off Military’s Budget For One Month
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Satisfaction