DEERFIELD, IL—Touting its foundational values of hard work, honesty, and integrity, drugstore giant Walgreens confirmed Wednesday it is proud of its origins as a small business that in today’s economy would absolutely never have been able to get off the ground.
WASHINGTON—Describing the behavior as an extremely reliable source of consumer spending, a report released Thursday by the Department of Commerce confirmed that the nation’s retailers earn $5 billion annually from women coming in from the street in order to get away from harassment.
LANSING, MI—Having watched with mounting excitement as the pallid, sniffling man made his way toward her register from the pharmacy section, local CVS cashier Hannah Everson told reporters Thursday she was overjoyed at the prospect of accepting a $20 bill from a customer purchasing three different kinds of cough medicine.
NEW YORK—Touting it as a seductive and versatile new addition to their Dream Angels collection, Victoria’s Secret officials announced Tuesday the launch of a 3-square-inch patch of satin that can be placed anywhere on the body.
PHOENIX—Speaking to reporters Tuesday from his spacious corner office in the company’s sleek downtown corporate headquarters, Harbor Corrections Group CEO Walter G. Parks reminisced fondly about the business’s humble beginnings as a modest six-cell prison.
MINNEAPOLIS—Mere minutes after rejecting a Home Depot employee’s offer of assistance with a curt shake of his head and the phrase “No thanks,” local man Garrett Hoffman, 44, reportedly came crawling back for help Monday.
SUNNYVALE, CA—Explaining how every feature of the sleek, modern work environment was expressly constructed to foster creativity and innovation, executives from Bisquick unveiled the company’s immense new Silicon Valley campus Friday.
NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.
BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.
FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.
WAUKESHA, WI—Elated upon discovering the fast-food restaurant chain would now serve breakfast past 10:30 a.m., area man Dave Grenwald told reporters Tuesday that he was overjoyed he would no longer have to buy an entire day’s worth of Egg McMuffins from McDonald’s in the morning.
The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”
‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says
LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.
HARTFORD, CT—Allowing engaged policyholders to begin their lives together with a supply of prepaid doctor’s appointments and inpatient services, health insurance company Aetna debuted a wedding registry option on its website this week that lets friends and family members purchase medical procedures picked out by the couple.
‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says
SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.
NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.
ROCHESTER, NY—During a meeting with new hires Wednesday to discuss employee benefits, Radian Analytics human resources manager Ellen Schultz is said to have strongly pushed the company’s infinite-deductible health care option.
FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”
KANSAS CITY, MO—With their continued investment in projects aimed at reaching out to the 14-year-old inner-city resident, the nation’s marketers are the last group of people in the country still trying to get through to local child Derek Crawford, sources confirmed Wednesday.
ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast.
BETHESDA, MD—In an effort to make a dent in the arms manufacturer’s excess inventory, members of the Lockheed Martin sales team were reportedly instructed during their staff meeting earlier this week to really push the company’s supply of tactical air-to-surface missiles.
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying love could be as close as a neighbor or colleague you’ve never once found yourself remotely interested in, new dating website OnSecondThought.com launched this week with a promise to pair users with people they already know but thought they were too good for.
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.
ARLINGTON, VA—Touting it as an easy and effective way to superficially connect with Latino voters, education technology company Rosetta Stone unveiled Tuesday a new Spanish language program exclusively for pandering presidential hopefuls.
CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.
WASHINGTON—After revelations emerged regarding the online retailer’s cutthroat office environment, Americans across the nation expressed outrage Wednesday that Amazon’s punishing workplace culture had yet to result in same-day shipping for every single available product.
SEATTLE—In response to accusations of an abusive workplace environment, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured employees Tuesday that the company’s human resources staff was working 100 hours a week to address their complaints.
Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:
NEW YORK—According to sources throughout the commercial aviation sector, the nation’s airlines will begin installing awkwardly placed bumps in every airplane seatback this week because it reportedly brings great pleasure to them.
LOUISVILLE, KY—Calling it an “exciting new menu item dragged from the darkest reaches of the salty abyss,” executives at seafood restaurant chain Long John Silver’s introduced their latest fast-food offering Thursday, the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep.
ATLANTA—Expressing its desire to help those suffering in the hardest-hit regions, the Dixie company this week donated $5 million in clean drinking cups to drought-ravaged Southern Africa, a corporate press release confirmed.
NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders.
ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday.
Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying
SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.
WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.
DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday.
NEW YORK—While she regularly offers guidance to younger women as they make their way in an industry largely dominated by men, Colleen Miller of tech firm Roltronix told reporters Tuesday she also enjoys knocking one or two down from time to time, just as a treat to herself.
SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing regret for any inconvenience the move caused, clothing retailer Gap Inc. said Tuesday that its plan to close 175 locations nationwide would leave Americans with fewer options for buying a pair of pants for a friend’s wedding at the last second.
HARTFORD, CT—Noting that they had never seen such a bold and impressive show of dominance, Burkart Industries employees confirmed Monday that account analyst Ken Perlis just looked like a total badass when he threw a fit and stormed out of the room during a meeting.
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was no trouble to either keep them or do away with them entirely, the world’s automakers assembled Monday to ask the public if it still wanted that little handle above their car windows.
WHIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to combat common seasonal and year-round allergens, pharmaceutical manufacturer Bayer introduced Wednesday its new Claritin flamethrower capable of incinerating whatever is causing one’s allergies.
SAN DIEGO—Noting that their store was the only game in town for the poor bastards stopping in, employees at the St. Margaret Hospital gift shop told reporters Tuesday they figured they could easily soak customers for 30 bucks a pop on the “I’m Thinking Of You” teddy bears.
CANTON, MA—Saying they were appreciative of the effort but at no point did they ever see something like this coming, members of the transgender community admitted to reporters Monday they were caught slightly off guard by ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins’ enthusiastic support for them and their cause.
CINCINNATI—Laying out a new marketing strategy to reach customers and promote their brand, skin care giant Olay announced plans Thursday to run just enough nonjudgmental ads to get women to let their guard down before it absolutely nails them with body shame.
GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media.
CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.
TOKYO—Saying it was simply time for drivers to move on, Toyota Motor Corp. issued a recall of its entire 1993 Camry model line Wednesday due to the fact that its owners really should have bought something new by now.
CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.
Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history
HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill.
NEW YORK—Touting it as a cost-effective and more customized option for many subscribers, Sprint this week announced a new wireless calling plan for people in long-distance relationships that offers a decreasing number of minutes each month.
NEW YORK—Saying that women no longer need to settle for plain, drab internal tissue, the cosmetics brand Maybelline introduced a new line of injectable makeup this week to enhance the appearance of wearers’ organs.
PRESCOTT, AZ—Admitting that the fourth-year criminal justice major had caught them completely off-guard, administrators at for-profit college Chapman Technical University were scrambling to design and print a diploma to award a student who was actua...
Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.
OMAHA, NE—Calling the walkthrough among the cages and aquariums a key part of his morning routine, local PetSmart manager John Brubaker told reporters Thursday that he always does a quick sweep of the store’s enclosures for dead ones before op...
More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.
CORVALLIS, OR—Fueling humanitarian concerns over the vital resource’s scarcity in many parts of the world, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Oregon State University has found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable ...
MINNEAPOLIS—Contorting his wrinkled mouth unnaturally in order to produce the vocalization, 60-year-old Vanderweigh Media CEO Robert Flynn reportedly employed his ancient organs of speech at a meeting Wednesday to grotesquely form the word “ha...
BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...
HARTFORD, CT—In an effort to remain financially solvent by keeping payroll expenditures in check, executives at the Banford Group announced Tuesday they would have to start hiring more female employees.
PHILADELPHIA—Providing further insight into the country’s rapidly shifting attitudes about gender, a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that a growing number of Americans would be comfortable with a female Pep Boy.
DUBLIN, OH—Responding to consumer demands for healthier offerings, Wendy’s announced this week the addition of its new Fit ‘N’ Fast menu, which features food that customers bring in from home to eat at the restaurant.
PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by researchers at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, employees typically display their most innovative thinking while brainstorming over-the-top quitting scenarios.
SEATTLE—Stressing the importance of treating all its staff members equally, progressive technology firm Northstar Solutions described to reporters Wednesday its strict policy of paying both male and female workers 78 percent of what they should be e...
NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more ...
SIGOURNEY, IA—Describing their company as a humane alternative to standard industrialized packing plants, owners of a new free-range slaughterhouse told reporters Wednesday that they allow their livestock to stay active by openly roaming around on t...
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Shedding light on the striking lack of diversity within the highest ranks of corporate America, a report from the Executive Leadership Council released Tuesday reveals that white individuals are far more likely to be named CEOs than e...
More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.
GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...
NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, a...
MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he’d been expecting the multinational corporation to have to wait a little while longer, David MacLennan, the CEO of U.S.-based agribusiness Cargill, told reporters Friday he was surprised how quickly the money it had jus...
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BOULDER, CO—Following the completion of his lengthy divorce proceedings earlier this week, local man Brian Keller, 43, sorrowfully removed his now ex-wife’s administrator privileges from his home security system, sources confirmed Tuesday.
ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.
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