Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito

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Vol 50 Issue 04

Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito

LINCOLN, NE—His face displaying mounting distress with each successive bite, local man Dillon Hawks is nearly halfway through his burrito without yet having encountered any trace of guacamole, sources indicated Wednesday. “No, hold on, something’s not right; I’m not seeing any green. Where is it? Where’s the goddamn guacamole?” Hawks reportedly said, growing more concerned by the second as he repeatedly failed to strike the pocket of avocado-based sauce that ought to lie somewhere within the tortilla. “I’m pretty sure I ordered guac. No, I definitely did. So where the hell is it? Christ, there’s not much of this thing left, is there? Oh, this is bad. This is very bad.” At press time, sources confirmed Hawks had hit the mother lode.

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