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Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics

INDIANAPOLIS—At a press event held Wednesday in the main conference room of the downtown Hyatt Regency, Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard publicly announced his city's thoroughly embarrassing bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics.

Standing before a display depicting the Olympic rings superimposed over the Indianapolis skyline, and flanked by several locally bred luminaries such as astronaut David Wolf and television host Marc Summers, Ballard made an earnest but utterly depressing pledge to bring the world's preeminent international sporting event to the Midwestern city of 830,000.

"It gives me great pleasure and pride to announce that Indianapolis is officially in the running for the Games of the 32nd Olympiad," Ballard said at the morning event, during which a free continental breakfast was served to a modest gathering of reporters. "We're a world-class city, and we can't wait to show the world what we've got in store for 2020."

"So get ready, because we're bringing the Olympic torch where it belongs," added Ballard, conveying a heartfelt pride that made the whole thing that much sadder to watch. "To Indiana!"

In addition to the mayor's painfully optimistic comments, the 19-minute presentation featured a performance of the Olympic Hymn by the Marian University Woodwind Ensemble and an appearance by local meteorologist Paul Poteet, who performed a joking weather forecast predicting "clear skies straight through to 2020."

Following a technical glitch that was eventually remedied by Hyatt staff members, Ballard screened a short informational video featuring former Indiana Pacers star Rik Smits. The film shows Smits at several of the city's iconic sites, including the Central Canal, the home of one-term president Benjamin Harrison, and the Indianapolis Museum of Art, and ends with a shot of the retired basketball player biting into one of city's signature breaded pork tenderloin sandwiches after announcing Indianapolis is ready to "go for the gold."

The Indianapolis Olympic Organizing Association has put together a bid that includes a $2.3 million budget for the summer games, with funds to be raised primarily from local businesses and church groups. According to the proposal, the brick-and-asphalt surface of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway would be used for many of the events, including cycling, track and field, and equestrian competitions, as well as a 10-and-a-half-lap marathon.

Organizers noted most other competitions would take place at Butler University's athletic facilities, which they repeatedly referred to as "top quality" and "the real deal."

"Where else would we situate the Olympic Village besides Monument Circle?" said organizing council president Julie Stevenson, referring to the town center that is home to many regional financial institutions, radio stations, and the popular South Bend Chocolate Company. "The athletes are going to wake up to a stunning view of the beautifully renovated Indiana Convention Center, which, of course, will host the opening and closing ceremonies."

"Plus, they'll be right next to [the] Circle Centre [mall], which has various international- themed dining options that will make the 10,000 competitors from around the world feel right at home," Stevenson continued. "Not to mention a nine-screen movie theater, a Coach store, Nordstrom's—the list goes on and on. So we know exactly what the athletes will be up to when they have downtime between events."

Apparently unfazed by the fact that her city was up against Rome, Tokyo, Madrid, and Istanbul in the contest to host the 2020 games, Stevenson unveiled plans for converting the city's existing minor-league ballpark into a "deluxe, state-of-the-art" 14,000-seat olympic stadium that would host marquee soccer matches and medal ceremonies.

In addition, Stevenson pledged the city's firm commitment to adding several new routes along its IndyGo public bus system to accommodate heightened ridership.

"We're really showing the International Olympic Committee that Indianapolis is a thriving metropolis ready for the world stage," said local chamber of commerce president Gene Kintgen, seemingly convinced of his assertion that the city was a "global destination" and "one of America's great cities." "We're home to the world headquarters of Kiwanis International, and last year's VFW convention went off without a hitch. Plus, we had U2 in here a few years ago, so we're used to this kind of thing."

Kintgen also noted that the IOC would soon be receiving video messages and goodwill visits from a "star-studded" cast of Indianapolis Olympics ambassadors, including former vice president Dan Quayle and film actor Brendan Fraser—both native sons of the Circle City—which Kintgen believed would help secure the city's bid for the games.

When reached for comment, IOC members in Switzerland were still struggling to make sense of Indianapolis' application, stating they had each received a glass bottle of milk and, for some reason, an autographed photo of Hollywood actor Gene Hackman.

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