Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn’t actually be all that hard. Full article.
Local couple Alison Fry and Peter Hartman told reporters Thursday they have both been pleased since opening up their relationship, saying the exciting new arrangement allowed them the freedom to psychologically wear down other people. Full article.
According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, a steadily increasing number of weak, emasculated men—if you can still even call them men—are choosing to forego a career and stay at home to raise their children.
Days before he was set to relocate to Denver for work, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden lamented Wednesday that he never really took the time to detest the city he called home for nearly half a decade. Full article.
The nation remained in a state of fear and panic this afternoon, following confirmed reports that hundreds of millions of Americans—nearly the entire population of the country—had fully and inexplicably lost consciousness for eight hours last night. Full article.
His face displaying mounting distress with each successive bite, local man Dillon Higstrom is nearly halfway through his burrito without yet having encountered any trace of guacamole, sources indicated Wednesday. Full article.
Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat. Full article.
Just two weeks after being laid off from the tech firm where he worked as a coder, 34-year-old Sam Morrison told sources Monday that he had finally achieved the perfect work-life balance. Full article.