NEW YORK—According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male test subjects have allegedly suffered extensive long-term abuse at the hands of female scientists.
After storming Cosmo’s Center for Driving Your Man Wild, agents arrested 16 female researchers, the culmination of a covert, yearlong investigation into misconduct at the publication. While there, officials said, they found dozens of men locked in cages, many of them bleeding from cracked and blistered erogenous zones that had been continually poked and prodded in the name of science.
“Male specimens were exposed to high levels of sexual tension and vigorously pleasured for days on end in shockingly cruel experiments,” said FBI spokesperson David Protter, describing conditions at the Manhattan facility founded in 1967 to “find out what keeps guys coming back for more.” “We discovered pale, gaunt, and confused groups of men in room after room. Some had suffered broken bones while being forced to contort themselves into highly experimental sexual positions. Others appeared to have simply been over-tantalized to their psychological breaking point.”
“We’re still not certain how many individuals were victimized, as we believe Cosmopolitan routinely discarded its test subjects once they aged out of the 18-to-34-year-old demographic,” Protter added. “In any case, we found some dead bodies beneath a massive pile of used sex toys in a storage room.”
Investigators told reporters they also discovered an entire laboratory full of naked, blindfolded men bound to beds with fuzzy handcuffs and shivering beneath a thin sheet of silk, apparently part of an ongoing study. The FBI stated that the men were severely malnourished from diets consisting of only strawberries and whipped cream, and had suffered intense sleep deprivation after being repeatedly driven wild all night long.
According to research documents confiscated by authorities, numerous subjects developed frostbite after an experiment in which they were rubbed for hours with ice cubes to see if they would “go loco with lust,” while others were strapped securely into chairs with their eyelids forced open and told to respond to a parade of women wearing “flirty summer dresses that won’t break the bank.”
At least one test subject is believed to have developed skin cancer after several thousand applications of experimental massage oils.
“The extreme mental and physical deterioration of these men cannot be overstated,” Protter said. “They tremble at the slightest human contact, and when one of our female investigators walked past their cages wearing heels, they coiled into fetal positions, covered their genitals, and began whimpering.”
Facing prosecution—and with their magazine’s reputation on the line—scientists at Cosmopolitan have rushed to defend their work, which they argue would not be possible without the use of human test subjects.
“Every article that appears in Cosmo must be backed up by scientific data,” said Dr. Helen Alesbury, who is expected to be arraigned in federal court after conducting a four-year, 48-person study that was published as the October 2012 cover story “12 Love Moves That Turn Him To Mush.” “Our research ensures progress is made in the development of sizzling hookup tips, hot morning positions, and foreplay moves he’s begging for in bed.”
“We treat our subjects as best as we can, but the truth is, there are times we need to tease, squeeze, and totally please until it hurts,” she continued. “Without our work, millions of men would go under-pleasured, and it just might be your man whose world goes unrocked.”