Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory

NEW YORK—According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male test subjects have allegedly suffered extensive long-term abuse at the hands of female scientists.

After storming Cosmo’s Center for Driving Your Man Wild, agents arrested 16 female researchers, the culmination of a covert, yearlong investigation into misconduct at the publication. While there, officials said, they found dozens of men locked in cages, many of them bleeding from cracked and blistered erogenous zones that had been continually poked and prodded in the name of science.

“Male specimens were exposed to high levels of sexual tension and vigorously pleasured for days on end in shockingly cruel experiments,” said FBI spokesperson David Protter, describing conditions at the Manhattan facility founded in 1967 to “find out what keeps guys coming back for more.” “We discovered pale, gaunt, and confused groups of men in room after room. Some had suffered broken bones while being forced to contort themselves into highly experimental sexual positions. Others appeared to have simply been over-tantalized to their psychological breaking point.”

“We’re still not certain how many individuals were victimized, as we believe Cosmopolitan routinely discarded its test subjects once they aged out of the 18-to-34-year-old demographic,” Protter added. “In any case, we found some dead bodies beneath a massive pile of used sex toys in a storage room.”

Investigators told reporters they also discovered an entire laboratory full of naked, blindfolded men bound to beds with fuzzy handcuffs and shivering beneath a thin sheet of silk, apparently part of an ongoing study. The FBI stated that the men were severely malnourished from diets consisting of only strawberries and whipped cream, and had suffered intense sleep deprivation after being repeatedly driven wild all night long.

According to research documents confiscated by authorities, numerous subjects developed frostbite after an experiment in which they were rubbed for hours with ice cubes to see if they would “go loco with lust,” while others were strapped securely into chairs with their eyelids forced open and told to respond to a parade of women wearing “flirty summer dresses that won’t break the bank.”

At least one test subject is believed to have developed skin cancer after several thousand applications of experimental massage oils.

“The extreme mental and physical deterioration of these men cannot be overstated,” Protter said. “They tremble at the slightest human contact, and when one of our female investigators walked past their cages wearing heels, they coiled into fetal positions, covered their genitals, and began whimpering.”

Facing prosecution—and with their magazine’s reputation on the line—scientists at Cosmopolitan have rushed to defend their work, which they argue would not be possible without the use of human test subjects.

“Every article that appears in Cosmo must be backed up by scientific data,” said Dr. Helen Alesbury, who is expected to be arraigned in federal court after conducting a four-year, 48-person study that was published as the October 2012 cover story “12 Love Moves That Turn Him To Mush.” “Our research ensures progress is made in the development of sizzling hookup tips, hot morning positions, and foreplay moves he’s begging for in bed.”

“We treat our subjects as best as we can, but the truth is, there are times we need to tease, squeeze, and totally please until it hurts,” she continued. “Without our work, millions of men would go under-pleasured, and it just might be your man whose world goes unrocked.”