adBlockCheck

Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory

NEW YORK—According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male test subjects have allegedly suffered extensive long-term abuse at the hands of female scientists.

After storming Cosmo’s Center for Driving Your Man Wild, agents arrested 16 female researchers, the culmination of a covert, yearlong investigation into misconduct at the publication. While there, officials said, they found dozens of men locked in cages, many of them bleeding from cracked and blistered erogenous zones that had been continually poked and prodded in the name of science.

“Male specimens were exposed to high levels of sexual tension and vigorously pleasured for days on end in shockingly cruel experiments,” said FBI spokesperson David Protter, describing conditions at the Manhattan facility founded in 1967 to “find out what keeps guys coming back for more.” “We discovered pale, gaunt, and confused groups of men in room after room. Some had suffered broken bones while being forced to contort themselves into highly experimental sexual positions. Others appeared to have simply been over-tantalized to their psychological breaking point.”

“We’re still not certain how many individuals were victimized, as we believe Cosmopolitan routinely discarded its test subjects once they aged out of the 18-to-34-year-old demographic,” Protter added. “In any case, we found some dead bodies beneath a massive pile of used sex toys in a storage room.”

Investigators told reporters they also discovered an entire laboratory full of naked, blindfolded men bound to beds with fuzzy handcuffs and shivering beneath a thin sheet of silk, apparently part of an ongoing study. The FBI stated that the men were severely malnourished from diets consisting of only strawberries and whipped cream, and had suffered intense sleep deprivation after being repeatedly driven wild all night long.

According to research documents confiscated by authorities, numerous subjects developed frostbite after an experiment in which they were rubbed for hours with ice cubes to see if they would “go loco with lust,” while others were strapped securely into chairs with their eyelids forced open and told to respond to a parade of women wearing “flirty summer dresses that won’t break the bank.”

At least one test subject is believed to have developed skin cancer after several thousand applications of experimental massage oils.

“The extreme mental and physical deterioration of these men cannot be overstated,” Protter said. “They tremble at the slightest human contact, and when one of our female investigators walked past their cages wearing heels, they coiled into fetal positions, covered their genitals, and began whimpering.”

Facing prosecution—and with their magazine’s reputation on the line—scientists at Cosmopolitan have rushed to defend their work, which they argue would not be possible without the use of human test subjects.

“Every article that appears in Cosmo must be backed up by scientific data,” said Dr. Helen Alesbury, who is expected to be arraigned in federal court after conducting a four-year, 48-person study that was published as the October 2012 cover story “12 Love Moves That Turn Him To Mush.” “Our research ensures progress is made in the development of sizzling hookup tips, hot morning positions, and foreplay moves he’s begging for in bed.”

“We treat our subjects as best as we can, but the truth is, there are times we need to tease, squeeze, and totally please until it hurts,” she continued. “Without our work, millions of men would go under-pleasured, and it just might be your man whose world goes unrocked.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close